the yogurt chronicles

two pieces of journalism to read on a Sunday

2012-01-15T22:09:00.003-06:00

when i grow up, i'd like to be able to write a story as good as the one that Thomas Lake wrote for Sports Illustrated this week.

when i grow up, i'd also like to write a story as good as the one that Dave Sheinin wrote for the Washington Post on Thursday.

both stories are about high school basketball (kind of). both are worth the read, even though it might be easier to pick up a Sports Illustrated magazine since the Lake story is 12 pages long on the computer.

butterfly in the sky, play us out.

a lot has changed at Broadwater over the years

2012-01-12T17:23:00.009-06:00

i posted this link on my Facebook page on Wednesday but it's worth talking about here.

i had always heard stories about how my great grandma or some older relative had rode a horse to school every day (uphill both ways and in the snow) and i always chalked it up to one of those "that's a cute story mom, now leave me alone so i can play Nintendo" conversations. then i saw this picture.

this school was literally built in the middle of nowhere. if you were to see a picture of Broadwater Elementary school today, you'd see that it is currently surrounded by a bunch of houses, one of Billings' busier streets and the Dominos that i worked at throughout high school is right across the street.

i thought that it was funny that this school was apparently built on the outskirts of the western part of town. i guess that a lot can change in 102 years because that school is literally located five blocks away from downtown and it would now take 10-15 minutes to drive from the Broadwater parking lot to the western edge of town.

so yea, a lot of things can change in 102 years. hell, a lot of things can change in 15 years.

this summer will mark the 15th anniversary of my final year of elementary school. i looked at the staff list on the Broadwater Elementary website and i didn't recognize a single name on it.

Mrs. Helus, my sixth grade teacher? gone. Mrs. Larsen, my fifth grade teacher? see ya. Mr. Jones, my fourth grade teacher? deuces. Mr. Ravniker, my third grade teacher? there is no way that lady is still alive. since i don't remember who my second grade teacher is we'll skip on down to first grade and i haven't talked to Mrs. Brott since i graduated from high school and i haven't seen either of my kindergarten teachers (one stepped in after the other either got pregnant or died... this is actually still a mystery among me and some friends. i suspect that there may have been a cover-up from our parents) since my final nap time.

if i went to Broadwater Elementary today, i could probably find the fire chute and i could mark the spot where i set the single-season touchdown record as a fourth grader (this record book began and ended in 1994). and then i'd be promptly escorted from campus because creepers aren't allowed to just hang out at elementary schools.

i hope you enjoyed that trip down my memory lane.

Chris Brown, play us out.

an in-depth look at Justin Bieber's "Baby"

2012-01-09T18:24:00.006-06:00

i found a link on Twitter the other day. it was kind of cool.

actually, as someone who is incredibly disappointed that his life isn't a musical, i always think that sporadic and choreographed dance numbers are awesome.

of course, after i watched the video once... 14 times, i had that song stuck in my head so i checked out the real music video online and became one of 688,312,610 people to view this video (or one of 16. those pre-teen girls literally have nothing better to do than watch the YouTube).

as i watched the Biebs serenade some chick who isn't Selena Gomez in a bowling alley, i became to dissect the video. so for today's blog, we are going to break down the Baby video. this is like Sportscenter but for weirdos who have way too much time on their hands.

:03 -lots of spinning. we are three seconds into this thing and i am already dizzy.
:08 - the girl has at least eight people in her party. Bieber rolls at least seven deep. i don't know of a bowling alley that allows more than six bowlers to a lane.
:24 - coolest bowling ball ever?
:39 - i've seen enough Law and Order episodes to think that was probably an inappropriate move by the Biebs.
:58 - wait, there are 10 girls in the main girl's party.
1:04 - more spinning.
1:20 - Drake bowls?
1:34 - reason #189 why it must be nice to be Justin Bieber. if i'm at a bar and i place my drink within 12 feet of the pool table, the bouncer will run over to give me a warning. this kid gets to roll around on these things without any consequences.
1:43 - bowling alley dance-off. who hasn't been involved in one of these things?
2:04 - it's clear that none of these kids are wearing bowling shoes.
2:10 - more spinning.
2:13 - does anybody remember when Ludacris had street cred?
2:43 - that is a clear lane violation.
2:58 - ahhh, look at Bieber go. get it Biebs.
3:16 - as someone who is from Atlanta, Ludacris should know that nothing good can come out of putting a white boy in a headlock.
3:21 - more spinning.
3:32 - Bieber sealed the deal in less than four minutes. impressive.
3:45 - the end.

so there you go. i hope that you learned something today.

The Saturdays, play us out.

a lot of people that i like got married in 2011

2012-01-06T17:15:00.011-06:00

last week, my former Kaimin co-workers took one step closer to a lifetime full of Kaimin lovin' as young Zachary dropped to one knee and pledged his love to young Allison. and i think that i speak for Team Kaimin when i say "Ka KAWWWWW ka ka ka KAWWWW KAW KAW KAWWWWW!!!"

(you non-Kaimin people probably have no idea what just happened)

but Allison and Zach's engagement rounded out a year full of love. i don't know if it's because i am getting older or because all of my friends got the wedding fever but i attended five weddings during the summer.

to recap:

on May 14, ms. Anna Cook got married to mr. Matt Bootenhoff. Anna is a former infielder/catcher for the Ball Bustas franchise. Matt is just awesome. the wedding was fun and i ran into an old high school classmate at the event so it's a memorable evening anytime that you can throw a Billings Senior reunion into the mix.

on May 28, mr. David Beck married the lovely ms. Heather Shade. David, who is the guy in the picture with a vest on, is the Ball Bustas' longtime left fielder while Heather, who is not pictured, has been a Ball Busta for two years. the night included lots of dancing and a post-wedding trip to the Dirty 6th to celebrate my 26th birthday. we then went on a boat the next day.

on June 18, ms. Emily Stark exchanged vows with mr. Seth Bamesberger. Emily joined the Ball Bustas during our second season and has been the Queen Bee of our group for just as long. Seth joined the Ball Busta outfield during our second year and soon fell in love with our right fielder. i wore a tie to the wedding because i was an usher (and a reader) and i was the best usher ever. seriously, i made Usher jealous of my usher-ing skillz. this wedding was a blast and it was a lot of fun seeing two of my best friends start a new life together. go Bustas.

on July 16, ms. Renee Mossberg married mr. Justin Mossberg. Renee was a longtime second baseman for the Ball Busta franchise and while i don't know Justin, i am sure that he is a good guy. the wedding reunited me with the Garcia sisters and allowed me to bid farewell to Renee, who moved to California right after the wedding.

On September 10, one of my closest friends got married as ms. MK Porter tied the knot with mr. John Rice at the same venue that ms. Renee Mossberg got married at about two months earlier. before she recently relocated to Houston, MK was the Ball Bustas' veteran pitcher while John was the team's biggest fan and the parent to the team's mascot. the battery to my camera died at the wedding so the above drawing is an artist's rendition of what my photo would have looked like with the happy couple.

so those were the weddings of 2011 that i attended. you'll notice that there was a theme and i guess that it's a safe bet that i may not have any more wedding to attend in the future as everyone on the softball team apparently got married this past year.

my sister got married in December (i didn't attend but more on that later) and the Squires-Franz and Holton-Potter couples announced their engagements too. i didn't get engaged or married but i couldn't be any happier with the girl that i love.

so here's to the happy couples.

Kelis, play us out. (non-Kaiminites probably won't get this reference either)

is The Walking Dead's Shane a good or bad guy?

2011-12-29T07:59:00.004-06:00

does anybody out there watch The Walking Dead on AMC?

Chastity and i began watching the show last season. i think Chastity started watching it for the zombies and i started watching it for the pretentious feeling that you receive from watching an AMC show. we used to watch the show every Sunday and although we slacked off a little bit this year, we were able to catch up on all the episodes this week due to the fact that neither of us has to work until next year.

after 13 episodes of this zombie-obsessed show, i have only one question: is Shane a good guy or a bad guy?

Shane's good guy credentials are top notch. he's a cop, a provider and he's helped keep his crew safe.

in the seven episodes that have aired this season, however, he also killed an innocent man in an effort to save his own life, he constantly argued that his group should move on from its quest to find one of his traveling partner's daughters, threatened to kill the group's resident old man and he got a bad haircut. then there was that whole let's-kill-all-the-zombies-in-the-barn-of-the-people-who-are-lettering-us-stay-on-their-land-even-though-the-landlord-dude-specifically-told-us-to-not-kill-zombies-on-his-land-and-leave-that-barn-alone-because-it-contained-the-zombie-remains-of-his-wife-and-stepson-and-the-aforementioned-girl-that-the-group-was-looking-for.

Shane's performance this season also came a year after he was sleeping with his best friend's wife, tried to rape the aforementioned wife and thought about killing the aforementioned best friend. after getting shot down by the aforementioned wife, Shane also beat up an abusive member who was in his group, which could be considered something to be put on "good guy" sheet since the guy was an abusive jerk or the "bad guy" sheet since the husband and father of one was then rendered ineffective when the zombies attacked the camp a few episodes later and killed him.

so i don't know if Shane is a good guy or a bad guy. either way, i wish that he would just kill that Andrea chick because i can't stand her.

here is a Christmas shout-out from Texas

2011-12-24T12:51:00.005-06:00

Merry Christmas Eve from rainy Corsicana (Texas apparently confused the "W" word in "White Christmas" for "Wet").

yes, for the fourth straight year, I am not in Billings for the holidays. and i'm fine with that.

i hate traveling during the winter. and since there is no such thing as a trip to Billings in the winter that doesn't involve the Denver airport, i'd rather just walk.

aside from my grandma, i also don't really have a family anymore in Billings. Anthony is staying in Oregon this winter and Alyssa is on the East Coast. Noelle doesn't live at home anymore, my dad is now living at his third our fourth residence of the 2011 calender year and i think that i've mentioned how well i get along with my mother.

and while it sucks that i won't get to hang out with friends or see Del Taco or snow this winter (seriously, what is with this rain?), i'm fine with being in Texas. Chastity's family treats me great and she is really the only family i need.

i actually haven't been back to Montana since the fall of 2009. my next trip will probably be in August for Robyn's wedding. i'll have to get my Del Taco then.

Kelly Clarkson, play me out.

my iPod is mourning dead celebs this week

2011-11-10T09:33:00.006-06:00

my friend Robyn has always attested that her iPod can read her mind. i'm beginning to think that my iPod has a mind of its own.

let me explain. on Monday, i went for a run on the trail after we shot our weekly high school analysis videos (there is nothing more inspiring that seeing your fat face on video). i've been running 3-4 times a week these days and it's fun.

i'm fat so i'm not going to pretend that i can straight up run 15 miles. my workout consists of 3 to 3.5 miles and it usually takes about 35-45 minutes, which equals between 9-12 songs on the iPod. i usually run for 1-2 songs, walk for a song, rinse and repeat. and on my iPod, i have a set of playlists that are set to reflect that running strategy.

but i get bored easily. so as much as i like my Michael Jackson mix and my Black-Eyed Peas mix and my Usher/Ne-Yo mix... and a mix that has Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber on it, the 10 playlists that i was running to were becoming too repetitive.

so for the past month or so, i've been running on shuffle. i place my iPod on shuffle and i run, walk and leave my playlist to chance. i am pretty much at the mercy at the iPod because if it's time for a running song and the iPod decided to throw JT's "Lovestoned/I Think She Knows Interlude" at me, i'm then running for a solid seven minutes and 24 seconds. if i'm running and the iPod decides to throw the interlude to Usher's "Superstar" at me, well that is a fun 65 seconds of sweat.

so i am on the trail on Monday and it's time for a walking song and this one comes on. now, there are 35 Michael Jackson songs on my iPod so this may be just a coincidence but i couldn't help but think that my iPod had been monitoring the TMZ website throughout the afternoon in anticipation for the Conrad Murray verdict that was released a couple of hours before my run.

so that was weird. and then Tuesday happened.

i have one Heavy D song on my playlist. and Now That We Found Love came up as a run song when i was on the trail on Tuesday afternoon... and Tuesday also happened to be the day the Heavy D died. my iPod was obviously in mourning.

so my iPod has a mind of its own. i have no idea how it's going to address the Penn State scandal and the deaths of Andy Rooney, Joe Frazier and the Family Circus guy.

Justin Bieber, play us out.

the Penn State anger is a little misguided

2011-11-10T05:18:00.008-06:00

WARNING TO THE READERS: if you are one of those people who gets uncomfortable when someone starts talking about their personal business in a public forum, you should probably quit reading now. i'll blog something later and you can forget this entry ever happened.

so the Ball Bustas wrapped up their final season of the 2011 calendar on Wednesday night with another extra-inning thriller... that we won 20-12 after two innings of one-pitch softball.

i tell you this not only to brag about my team's accomplishments but to also explain my whereabouts last night from about 7 until 10. i rarely go three hours without checking the Twitter - occasionally i will do that when i am sleeping - but when you are chilling at the softball fields and your team is winning softball games in dramatic fashion, that will happen.

when i got back to Chastity's house, i checked my Facebook. i saw a few comments about Rick Perry's gaff at the 78th Republican debate this month... but those comments were quickly overshadowed by comments about Joe Paterno's firing at Penn State. i quickly switched to the Twitter app on my phone and that thing had literally exploded with commentary about the firing and the ensuing press conference craziness.

i rushed inside and spent the next hour watching the TV and Twitter as more people swooped in to offer their comments on the incident and the campus riot that it spawned.

the whole thing was stupid.

i'll say this: i'm fine with Paterno's firing. i didn't lose any sleep over the firing (i am up this early because the time change has messed with my internal clock). i can see why it happened. if Paterno had been allowed to coach out the football season, i would have been fine with that response too. i am not concerned with Joe Paterno.

i'll be honest though, i also get a little annoyed when people who have never been in a situation like this get on a moral high horse.

this alleged child-raping defensive coordinator had worked for Paterno for 30 years so i'll assume that they were pretty close. i'm not going to lie, if one of my best friends walked into a room and murdered 20 people in front of me, there is probably a 99 percent chance that i am not going to turn on them. does that make me a bad person? i don't think so. i think it makes me human. it's real easy to vilify Paterno but until i hear from a media member who has actually turned on a friend or family member in a similar situation (and since we are talking about molested kids here, let's hope that nobody comes forward), i don't really care about your opinion.

i'm not trying to justify what Paterno did but i'm not angry at the guy. as a lot of people know, a case of molestation pretty much was one of the first removed block from the Jenga structure that was my soon-to-be in shambles family.

this case of molestation lasted nearly two years. i didn't witness it but if i had, i honestly don't know what i would have done. maybe i would have gone to the police. maybe i would have tried to stop the abuse myself. maybe i would have done nothing. luckily i was never put in this situation - even though it's played in my head hundred of times - but would i have been a terrible person if i had known something and kept quiet? would i have been a hero if i had stepped in?

it's easy to answer "Yes" and "Yes" to both of those questions. it's not that simple though. when i finally found out about the incident, i wedged myself into a state of denial. i was angry at the accused for doing what they did and i was angry at myself for not seeing any warning signs (although, once again, i'm not entirely sure that i would have done anything had it happened). i wanted to act like it didn't happen, that such a crime couldn't have happened in my house. i wanted to believe that someone who i knew pretty well was incapable of doing something that awful. even though the accused admitted to the crime, i refused to believe it. this just was not possible.

so it took about a year from me to come around on a molestation case that crippled my family. and i don't know what i would have done had i witnessed anything. and both the victim and the perpetrator were members of my family. i don't think that i am a horrible person (maybe i am) and i don't think that 17-year-old Danny was a terrible person either (maybe he was) but the morale of this story is that i am not going to pass judgment on an old man who was in a similar situation and technically did more than i did.

you'll notice that during my denial stage, i didn't say much about the victim. that is the one thing that i won't forgive myself for. in my denial stage, i forgot about the victim. that was my greatest error and i think that was the media's error this week.

too much attention was focused on Joe Paterno and what he did and didn't do. i know one thing, he didn't molest any of those kids.

it's too easy to jump on these hot button issues but i was amazed by how many of my friends were hitching a ride on the "Fire Joe Paterno" bandwagon. i am also positive that some of these enraged people couldn't tell me who Jerry Sandusky is. and that's a problem since Sandusky is allegedly the guy who was molesting all these kids.

any anger that i have in this situation (and i'll be honest, it's not a lot. nobody wants to hear about something this awful but this really doesn't impact my life and i'm not going to act like it does) doesn't lie with Joe Paterno, it lies with Jerry Sandusky. and the empathy that these rioting Penn State students (and the idiocy of these riots is a subject that can be saved for another blog) should be saved for those victims, not some grown man whose firing was debatable.

i think our priorities got mixed up in this one. it's easy to be mad at Paterno because he's the biggest name attached to this scandal. it's easy to be mad to those who fired Paterno because you don't agree with the decision. however, for whatever reason, it hasn't been easy for the country and those in the media to be mad at this alleged child-molesting assistant coach and it's not easy for some Penn State fans to direct their empathy toward a bunch of helpless victims.

and nearly 10 years after i went through a similar situation, that is still sad.

Michael, play us out.

recapping the Ball Bustas' greatest victory

2011-10-27T10:41:00.007-05:00

well, you know something big has happened if my blog has decided to awake from its hibernation.

boys and girls, i am here to talk to you about the greatest game in Ball Bustas history.

well, being as we have been playing intramural softball (and a season of wiffleball) together since February of 2008, it might not be the best game in Ball Bustas history but since it's on the top of my mind, i am going to claim it as a historical event. that's how i look at history, it's why Smashmouth is a greater band in my mind than the Beatles. if we win again next week, i may remember that as the greatest game that we've ever played.

but anyways...

so the Ball Bustas had been struggling as of late. we won a divisional championship two seasons ago (i have a plaque at home to prove that) but we went 1-7 last season with that one victory being a forfeiture. and we had started this season with three straight losses and one of those losses was an 18-0 shellacking two weeks ago.

so the Ball Bustas desperately needed a win and after falling into an 12-4 hole in the third inning, it didn't look like we were going to get it. but we kept picking away at the deficit and in the bottom of the fifth inning, we tied the game 16-16. and since the game had exceeded its 55-minute limit, we were heading to extra innings.

extra innings is a different beast in the intramural softball world because it's a one pitch game. yes, every batter starts with a 3-2 count so you either walk, get a hit or get an out (fouls are counted as outs).

in the first extra inning, i took advantage of the umpire's wide strike zone and somehow struck out three batters. no runs scored. in the bottom of that inning, i got to the plate with the bases loaded and two outs... and i fouled out.

neither teams scored in the second extra inning. well, that isn't exactly true. the opposing team actually hit a grand slam but we play on the low rung of the Cap City Softball ladder so a softball hit over the fence not only counts as an out but it ends an inning.

so i had loaded the bases before this kid hit it out... but instead of that team taking a four-run lead with no outs, the inning was over with the score still tied. and being as this was the second inning-ending home run that i served up on Wednesday, i think this may be the first time that a defense has celebrated a home run. i was literally saying "get out, get out!" as soon as the ball rocketed off this guy's bat.

in the third and final extra inning, i gave up two early runs but after a couple of solid defensive plays, we got out of the inning in a 18-16 hole. flash forward to the bottom of the inning and we had Mike on second base and Lindsey on first base with two outs. David drove them both in with a double (Lindsey is fast, I don't know if i could have made it to third base on that play) and then Natassha slugged home the game-winning run with a double of her own.

GREATEST WIN EVER!!!

so the Ball Bustas improved to 1-3 with the comeback victory. we got solid defensive play from Eric our right fielder, MK our catcher and Kelley our third baseman and i'm pretty sure that everyone contributed offensively. my guess is that my ERA ballooned to 987.3 on Wednesday night but i'll take the victory any day of the week.

next week, we have a rematch against the team that beat us by 18 runs so maybe this win will propel us to a victory. maybe this win will give us no momentum as we head into next week's showdown and we'll lose 45-6.

either way, i don't care. last night was awesome.

Smashmouth, play us out.

wishing my baby a happy birthday

2011-09-22T06:23:00.004-05:00

happy birthday to this girl, i love her.

Stevie Wonder, play us out.

remembering 9/11

2011-09-11T08:22:00.004-05:00

ten years ago, i was a junior at Billings Senior High and like every morning, i was getting ready for my first period conditioning class when i strolled into the coaches office to put my wallet into a safe-keeping box. the TV was on and the coaches were sitting in their chairs, not saying a word.

i glanced at the television and saw that a couple of planes had crashed into the Twin Towers. i turned around and went off to the weight room, baffled as to why someone would want to attack Minnesota. of course, as the day went on, i realized that the Twin Towers were not located in the Twin Cities and i slowly began to understand the severity of what would happen.

the rest of the day was a drawn-out question mark.

we wondered if more planes were going to crash and we wondered about loved ones who were flying that day - my uncle is a pilot but he was off on Sept. 11.

my sister's birthday is on the 12th so i wondered about that.

at football practice, we became convinced that all of our coaches were going to be drafted into the army overnight and we also were concerned about the fate of one of our linebackers, who had been in Denver the night before for a Broncos game and ended up being stuck at that airport for days.

we wondered about gas prices. Sept. 11, 2001 was probably the only time in high school that my parents ever gave me money. i came home and my mother gave me $20 and told me to fill up my car. the gas station was a zoo when i got there.

in the end, no more plans crashed and my uncle eventually flew again. my sister celebrated her 14th birthday. our coaches all showed up for work the next day, our linebacker eventually made it home, gas prices remained steady and my parents went back to being cheap.

i try not to overplay the importance on 9/11 in my life. 9/11 also didn't drive me into an army recruiter's office and the wars that it spawned haven't taken a life from anyone i'm close to. to be honest, the biggest inconvenience that 9/11 has caused me was a temporary shattering of my psyche (although i'd argue that Columbine was worse) and longer waits at the airport.

but 9/11 is something that i'll always remember. a year after the terrorist attacks, i said on some local TV special that 9/11 was our generation's JFK shooting (in other words, we'll always remember exactly what we were doing when it happened) and nine years later, that's the story that i'm sticking to.

Lee Greenwood, play us out.

an offer i can refuse: watch The Godfather again

2011-09-07T11:15:00.004-05:00

i am just going to say it: the Godfather is overrated.

Max and his lovely lady hosted a movie night over the weekend that consisted of lasagna and the Godfather. i was impressed with Max's culinary skills (the lasagna was delicious) but i can't say the same about the movie.

first off, the movie was nearly three hours long. i should never be looking at my watch/cell phone clock while watching one of the so-called best movies of all time and i was reaching for my phone before Luca Brasi went swimming with the fishes.

second off, there is way too much going on. honestly, the conference realignment stuff that has haunted my soul for the past year has been less confusing. during the final assassination scene, i had no idea who any of the dead people were nor did i have any idea why they were being killed.

thirdly, nobody's family is that cool. i have a family. my family is lame. all families are lame. i would love to have a family as cool as the Godfather's. but it's not realistic. because nobody is that cool.

fourthly, there was no Denzel. so four strike and you're out.

this movie gets a $2 rating on my scale. and yes, that is the same rating that i gave Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins.

Britney Spears, play us out.

2011 fantasy introduction: TNMAS

2011-09-05T21:12:00.004-05:00

here is my third (and final) fantasy football team. and this one is for all the marbles (and hundreds of dollars. and my defending champion title).

League: OFL (12-team CBS Sportsline league)
Team Name: The Nicki Minaj Appreciation Society

this was an action league with a $50 cap.

QB Matthew Stafford, Detroit ($8.00)
QB Mark Sanchez, NY Jets ($0.20)
QB Vince Young, Philadelphia ($1.00)
RB Adrian Peterson, Minnesota ($20.50)
RB Darren McFadden, Oakland ($3.00)
RB Knowshon Moreno, Denver ($6.50)
RB Jacquizz Rodgers, Atlanta ($1.00)
RB Taiwan Jones, Oakland ($0.70)
WR Julio Jones, Atlanta ($3.00)
WR Braylon Edwards, San Francisco ($0.70)
WR Greg Little, Cleveland ($1.50)
WR Nate Burleson, Detroit ($0.50)
WR Antonio Brown, Pittsburgh ($1.20)
TE Brandon Pettigrew, Detroit ($0.70)
TE Kellen Winslow, Tampa Bay ($0.30)
K Dan Carpenter, Miami ($0.10)
Detroit defense

i predict a first-place finish.

Nicki Minaj, play us out.

2011 fantasy introduction: A Montanan in Texas

2011-09-03T09:19:00.005-05:00

alright, here is my second fantasy football team:

League: SJI (18-team Yahoo! league)
Team Name: A Montanan In Texas

i had the 16th pick in a snake-like format

QB Sam Bradford, St. Louis (5th round)
QB Vince Young, Philadelphia (14th round)
RB Maurice Jones-Drew, Jacksonville (2nd round)
RB Ryan Mathews, San Diego (6th round)
RB Rashad Jennings, Jacksonville (7th round)
RB Delone Carter, Indianapolis (8th round)
RB Jacquizz Rodgers, Atlanta (9th round)
WR Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona (1st round)
WR Mario Manningham, NY Giants (3rd round)
WR Santonio Holmes, NY Jets (4th round)
WR Greg Little, Cleveland (10th round)
WR Jordan Shipley, Cincinnati (15th round)
TE Tony Moeaki, Kansas City (12th round)
K Dan Carpenter, Miami (13th round)
San Francisco defense (11th round)

i predict a first-place finish.

LMFAO, play us out.

2011 fantasy introduction: A Montanan in Texas

2011-08-30T18:01:00.007-05:00

earlier today, i talked a little bit about growing up. so i may disappoint you with my next few posts.

although i am holding off on my purchase of Madden 2012, i am still all about the fantasy football. and coming off a season in which i won a crapload of money, i am back for 16 more weeks of rooting for players who play on teams i hate.

i had a fantasy football draft last night, i have one tonight and the Statesman draft is on Sunday.

and since you all care, i am going to unveil my three fantasy footballs teams over the next couple of days. enjoy.

League: NABJ STF (20-team Yahoo! league)
Team Name: A Montanan In Texas

i had the 12th pick in a snake-like format.

QB Matt Schaub, Houston (3rd round)
RB LeSean McCoy, Philadelphia (1st round)
RB James Starks, Green Bay (5th round)
RB Jacquizz Rodgers, Atlanta (8th round)
RB Ronnie Brown, Philadelphia (10th round)
RB Jamie Harper, Tennessee (11th round)
RB Joe McKnight, NY Jets (13th round)
WR Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis (2nd round)
WR Danny Amendola, St. Louis (6th round)
WR Jordan Shipley, Cincinnati (9th round)
WR Greg Little, Cleveland (7th round)
WR Jason Avant, Philadelphia (15th round)
TE Vernon Davis, San Francisco (4th round)
TE Tony Moeaki, Kansas City (12th round)
K Dan Carpenter, Miami (14th round)
D Washington (16th round)

i predict a first-place finish.

Nelly, play us out.

i won't be buying a new video game today

2011-08-30T09:02:00.004-05:00

today is a big day.

about nine hours ago, at Wal-marts across the Central Time Zone, the latest installment of the Madden 2012 franchise became available for purchase. and as you can see, this year's game has a Cleveland Brown on its cover for some reason.

now, i love video games. i love Madden football (during my college years, i once showed up at a Wal-mart at midnight to purchase a copy). i love the Cleveland Browns.

yet, it is currently 9:06 and i do not have a copy of Madden 2012 in my hands.

i have decided to hold off on buying this year's edition of Madden 2012. i will, of course, buy it eventually because this is the greatest thing to ever happen to the awful football franchise that i root for.

why have i not bought it? well, first off i just don't have that much time to play video games these days because as much as i love myself some cyber-football, my life is pretty consumed with the real thing these days. i also don't have $50 to just throw around because i am trying to wipe out the debt attached to my name, set up a 401k account (yes, i know) and save up for some bling because there is a girl that i kind of like who i'd like to keep around.

in the past, this wouldn't have been a dilemma. put that video game purchase on my credit card? no problem. pay for that video game instead of my water bill? showers are overrated. buy the video game and work a 9-5 shift in front of my Playstation 2? no one needs to show pride and devotion to their actual job when they are leading the St. Louis Rams to back-to-back-to-back-to-back Super Bowl wins.

but i'm growing up. the other day, i tried to watch 10 minutes of the MTV Music Video awards and i had to switch it to Curb Your Enthusiasm. i go to bed by 10 p.m. every day. i can count on one hand the amount of times that i've been to the Dirty 6th over the past three years. i enjoy game night. i don't camp out for video games anymore and my DVD collection is missing the final two seasons of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the 14th season of South Park and next month, i won't be buying the most recent seasons of How I Met Your Mother or The Office either (Christmas present suggestion, cough cough).

go adulthood.

Lil Wayne, play us out.

RIP Pastor Al

2011-08-25T05:27:00.004-05:00

Facebook delivered a little bit of sad news this morning as one of my hometown friends announced her return from the funeral of my former pastor. Pastor Al was 84.

i began going to church when i was 6 and Pastor Al was my first pastor. he retired about a year after our family started attending RMCC.

i'm not going to lie, being as i was 6 when Pastor Al was wrapping up his career, i don't remember many (or any) of his sermons. but what i do remember is that he was a genuinely good guy who went out of our way to make our family feel welcome in his church and he had a secret handshake in the receiving line outside the church each week that would net the children of the church a piece of candy. even when he would come back to visit (he moved to Oregon after his retirement), a handshake with Pastor Al would always result in candy.

that's all i can really say. seems like Pastor Al lived a long and prosperous life and my thoughts are with his wife.

Donnie McClurkin, play us out.

that chicken parmesan is a deceiving dinner

2011-08-16T09:34:00.006-05:00

i have some beef today with... chicken.

over the past year or so i've cooked chicken parmesan twice. let me take you through the recipe i used yesterday: i had four chicken breasts, i chopped them in half, dipped four of those halves into flour, dunked them in egg yolk and then coated them with a mixture that contained 2/3 cup of bread crumbs and about 1/3 cup of parmesan cheese. then i threw the chicken into a pan, poured some marinara sauce in there and i topped it off with sliced mozzarella cheese (the recipe called for a pound of the mozzarella but i used a lot less).

so i cooked that bad boy up, served it with some veggies and it was fine. the leftovers will be fine too. the recipe that i used the first time wasn't the exact same one but it was similar and, like Monday's experience, the meal was fine and the leftovers were fine too.

here is my problem: why is it called chicken parmesan when i use a lot more mozzarella than parmesan? once again, the recipe i used yesterday called for 1/4 cup of parmesan and a pound of mozzarella cheese. when it was all said and done, i could taste and see the gooey mozzarella but the parmesan in the chicken parmesan was almost an afterthought.

so i'm just going to call it chicken mozzarella from now on. as a sign of unity, i suggest that you do that same.

Kelly Rowland, play us out.

please don't remind me that i live in an oven

2011-08-03T21:31:00.004-05:00

dear friends who live in Texas,

i get it. it's hot. it's really hot. it's like incognito Casey Anthony in a frying pan hot.

however, everyone who lives in Texas knows that it gets hot in the summer. we all occasionally have to leave our air conditioned homes. we all know what a weather report is. we've all showed up to work with our polo shirts decorated by a disturbing sweat stain or two.

so with that in mind, can we cool it (no pun intended) with the constant Facebook/Twitter statuses about the heat and the picture uploads of your car's thermometer? i don't need to be reminded of the sweltering heat when i'm creepin' on the 'Book.

thank you.

Martha Reeves and the Vandellas, play us out.

a fake Danny Davis just had fun at Walmart

2011-07-29T09:34:00.009-05:00

have you seen the Hangover 2 yet?

well, there is a scene in the movie where the chubby guy tells Bradley Cooper that "I think it's happened again." and that's exactly how i felt yesterday afternoon.

let's jump into the time machine and go back a couple of days. on, let's say Monday, my voicemail had a conversation with some 1-888 number that stated that there were suspicious charges on my debit card.

now earlier in the day, i had heard one of the radio personalities on the morning show that i listen to talk about getting a similar call and having it be a scam. so i looked up the phone number on the Internet and found a bunch of people saying that the number was not associated with Wells Fargo and was instead a scam that was trying to trick you into giving up your debit card number.

so i didn't think much about it... until the number called back on Tuesday... and on Wednesday. so on Thursday, i decided to stop by a Wells Fargo bank to check it out and the fine people at this random branch in Round Rock said that they couldn't see anything suspicious on my card. that was comforting enough for me so i closed the book on that saga... until later that afternoon.

now, i hadn't used my debit card in about a week but when i went to the grocery store to pick up a couple of things, my card was declined for a charge that was less than $7. "Odd," i thought as i paid for the groceries with my credit card. on the way home, i decided to see if it was HEB or my fault that my debit card was declined and my card was again rejected when i tried to buy a Gatorade and some Gardetto's at a gas station.

so now, something was obviously up. so i called Wells Fargo and they told me that a hold had been put on my card because someone tried to spend nearly $90 at a Walmart over the weekend and that potential purchase was bounced back because i'm a poor journalist who didn't have $90 in his checking account a few days before pay day.

so my card was canceled and i will get a new one sometime this week.

as many devoted readers of mine will know, this is the second time that this has happened to me this summer. luckily, since they were using my debit card this time, the purchase wasn't charged to me since there were insignificant funds in my checking account (hooray for being broke). but still, i don't get how someone can be so scumbaggy. i get that people have mouths to feed but i'd feel a lot more sympathy for these degenerates if they were just stealing a loaf of bread from the grocery store as opposed to going on Forever 21 and Walmart shopping sprees on my dime.

this ordeal has taught me three things: (1) not every 1-888 number is evil. (2) people on the Internet don't know what they're talking about. (3) the people who work at my bank are idiots since this problem should have been discovered on Thursday morning, before i had to awkwardly have my card declined at the grocery store.

so now i don't really know what to do. i'm pretty protective of my stuff and it's not like the information for my credit and debit cards was stolen because i left my wallet at some skeezy bar on the Dirty 6th. but yet, two of my three cards have been stolen over the past month or so (let's hope nobody gets a hold of my company card. yikes.).

but when i'm stuck in a jam and i need financial advice, i usually just ask Randy Moss for advice.

sigh.

Notorious B.I.G., play us out.

my Challenge fantasy consisted of a victory

2011-07-27T15:38:00.007-05:00

since football practices begin next week, i've been just chilling at work this week with not a whole lot to do.

so today, i killed time by doing some spring training. i cleaned up my desk, organized some folders, added some story ideas to my online database and i deleted a bunch of e-mails. i also cleaned through my computer and i stumbled across something.

a little while ago, me and Robyn did another one of our fantasy drafts for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge TV series. now this wasn't for the Challenge that will air its sixth episode tonight, it was for the Challenge that debuted last October.

but as anyone who just read my NL West preview knows, i sometimes take a little while to get around to things. i had actually recorded all of the episodes but i didn't feel the need to watch any of them until a couple of weekends ago when Chastity was away babysitting. i had actually watched 2 1/2 episodes but i sat down with my Wendy's that Saturday night and i blew through the final 7 1/2 shows of them in one sitting.

before i tell you who won, let me list our fantasy teams. we also used the rule system that was introduced in the initial fantasy draft.

Robyn's team: Derrick, Johnny, Brad, Eric, Tyler, Luke, Dan, Mandi, Emily, Sarah, Melinda, Paula, Theresa and Ayiiia (yes, with three "I"s).

Danny's team: Abram, Ty, Dunbar, JD, Vinny, Brandon, Chet, Laurel, Jenn, Tori, Cara Maria, Camila, Katie and Emilee (yes, with three "E"s).

hit that drumroll... with the score of 1,087-836 on the scoreboard, i emerged with the victory. i have now been victorious in two of the three seasons that me and Robyn have competed against each other. do not come into my house when it comes to MTV.

i ended up with six players who scored more than 100 points (Robyn only mustered three) and my MVP was Cara Maria, a late draft pick who fought, competed and sexed (see above) her way to a team-high 172 points. i also got 163 points from the No. 1 draft pick in the girls draft (Laurel) and Dunbar somehow got me 150 points... although 100 of those were gained on the final challenge.

Robyn was led by Tyler (go figure) and his 180 points and Luke and Sarah both crossed the 100-point line. Robyn, however, was hurt by her top two males combining for 34 points and Brad getting only 80 points despite earning 100 points for winning the final challenge.

so there ya go. like i mentioned, we are already five episodes into the new season and we won't be doing the whole fantasy thing this time because with the football season starting, there is almost no chance that i clear those things off my DVR before next March.

R. Kelly, play us out.

time to get an upgrade on my work equipment

2011-07-26T15:33:00.008-05:00

UPDATE: i've been informed by Squires that the Talkboy made its appearance in Home Alone 2. Wikipedia backs up her story.

so i'm about to part company with a very dear friend.

i've decided that i need to get a new tape recorder. now to some people, this might not be that big of a deal but to me, this is the equivalent of a baseball player getting a new glove or a Kardashian getting a new athlete. in other words, this isn't something that happens every Tuesday but it eventually goes down.

i've had my tape recorder for nearly eight years now. i bought it from the university bookstore within a week or so of my hiring at the Kaimin in the fall of 2003. i think it cost me like $80 but i've gotten my money worth.

throughout the years, my recorder has recorded interviews with University of Montana volleyball players, University of Montana basketball players, University of Montana football coaches and players who hated me, University of Montana dance team members, professors, classmates, a university president, major league baseball players, minor league baseball players, high school athletes, high school coaches, collegiate coaches who weren't associated with the University of Montana, collegiate athletes who weren't associated with the University of Montana, professional football players, golfers, Heisman Trophy winners and your mom. my friends have even used it for various projects.

but my 2003 Sony Somethingoranother is old. the rewind/fast forward button doesn't work well and it struggles when the interview subject is further than five feet away from its microphone. my guess is that if i put this on eBay, i'd get about 40 cents (although my recorder shouldn't worry. i would never throw it away, i'm just going to send it to my electronics retirement home).

so sadly, i am going to be on the market for a new recorder. i understand that i probably could just use my phone or iPod to do the dirty deed but i feel that, as a journalist, i should have a recorder that doesn't text or play Nelly songs.

the question though is what route should i take?

should i buy one that is basic and old school?

should i buy one that is basic and new school?

should i buy one that apparently plugs into your computer?

should i buy one that looks cool and is really expensive?

or should i just buy one similar to the one they used in Home Alone? (honestly, how awesome would that be if i walked into a press conference and plopped that thing on the table?)

there are a lot of choices out there. good thing i have until late August to make this decision.

so there you go. i'm about to say good bye to an old friend and hello to a new one.

Nelly, play us out.

this has to be me and Le's worst nightmare

2011-07-23T07:31:00.002-05:00

What. The. Insertbadwordhere.

Mark Morrison, play us out.

2011 Armchair Quarterback: NL West

2011-07-13T21:00:00.004-05:00

NL West (it didn't take me until the All-Star Break to write this preview, it just took you until the All-Star Break to read it...)

1. Colorado Rockies: there is no way that our 80 million dollar centerfielder gets off to a terrible start at the plate and there is no way that he heads into the All-Star Break with a wrist injury. there is no way that the Rockies play great in May and then limp into the All-Star Break with a 43-48 record. there is no way that Ubaldo Jimenez pitches like a bum and there is no way that Jorge de la Rosa throws out his arm and leaves the pitching staff depleted and shallow. and there is no way that the Rockies sign Mark Ellis midway through the season to solve the team's continual problem at first base. right?
Biggest Addition: 3B Ty Wigginton (signed from Baltimore)
Biggest Loss: SP Jeff Francis (signed with Kansas City)

2. San Francisco Giants: yea, the Giants are the defending champions but there is no way that their pitching staff is going to send three starters and a reliever to the all-star game in July. i also don't think that there is any way that Buster Posey has his season ended in a collision at the plate and there is no way that the team will be able to stay afloat after that home plate collision that isn't going to happen. right?
Biggest Addition: SS Miguel Tejada (signed from San Diego)
Biggest Loss: SS Edgar Renteria (signed with Cincinnati)

3. Los Angeles Dodgers: there is no way that a team with Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier will be awful and there is now way that the Dodgers' off-field issues will be turn into a Curb Your Enthusiasm joke. right?
Biggest Addition: OF Tony Gwynn, Jr. (signed from San Diego)
Biggest Loss: C Russell Martin (signed with New York Yankees)

4. Arizona Diamondbacks: the Diamondbacks will be hosting the All-Star game this season but there is no way that their fans will be interested in their sorry baseball team by then. right?
Biggest Addition: RP J.J. Putz (signed from Chicago White Sox)
Biggest Loss: none

5. San Diego Padres: there is no way that the Padres are going to miss Adrian Gonzales because there is no way that he's going to hit .354 with 18 home runs and 77 RBIs in his first half-season with Boston. right?
Biggest Addition: OF Cameron Maybin (traded from Florida)
Biggest Loss: 1B Adrian Gonzalez (traded to Boston)

so those are my divisional predictions and i've got San Francisco and Chicago grabbing the Wild Card. let's say that Boston beats Colorado in the World Series. party like it's 2007.

Katy Perry, play us out.

Horrible Bosses was a movie worth paying $8 for

2011-07-11T15:14:00.006-05:00

i've been seeing a lot of movies recently... so let's do another movie review.

on Saturday, i spent some quality time with my DVD collection and i saw Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2 and both those timeless classics lived up to their reputations as timeless classics. i also went to see Horrible Bosses and since you already know that all three Rush Hour movies are obviously $10 movies, let's review Horrible Bosses.

first though, i need to say something about one of the previews that i saw. i am going to defriend any of my Facebook friends who admit they saw this Footloose remake. i docked the Horrible Bosses score by a dollar because i had to waste two minutes of my life on this awful preview. seriously, has Hollywood just quit trying?

i actually think that Horrible Bosses was one of the best movies that i've seen in a while. it was much better than Bad Teacher, a better cinematic option than Hangover 2 and the world seems to like it better than Larry Crowne so i didn't have to be embarrassed to say that i liked it.

Horrible Bosses was a well done movie with a storyline that most people could relate to (who hasn't had a boss that they hated? Corey from the Billings Gazette circulation department, i'm talking to you) and some very good laughs. the cast was also pretty good and Jennifer Aniston has somehow still got it.

sure, it's hard to buy Jason Sudekis as a womanizer who can pull Aniston and Julie Bowen-esque tail. also, it was a little maddening to see how awful these guys were at killing people.

but it was still a good movie. an $8 movie.

Hall and Oates, play us out.

you won't boogie to these tunes if i'm your DJ

2011-07-08T07:39:00.011-05:00

i think that i should become a wedding DJ.

i've said this before but i already know the only joke that you need to be a good wedding DJ. "(Insert Groom's Name Here) take your hand and place it on top of (Insert Bride's Name Here)'s hand. this will be the last time that you have the upper hand in the relationship." honestly, the next time you are DJing/giving a toast at a wedding, try that joke out and i guarantee that the 40+ crowd will love it and the younger crowd will give you at least an pity laugh.

granted, if you hire me to DJ your wedding (note to MK: i'm available for Sept. 10), i will probably just plug my iPod into a stereo dock and play a bunch of Will Smith hits, Brian McKnight slow jams and Peabo Bryson-crooned Disney songs. i may even throw in a Miley Cryus song in you pay me enough.

but i also know what not to play.

a couple of weeks ago, i was at Seth and Em's wedding and the DJ did a pretty solid job throughout the night. however, during my dinner i noticed that the DJ was playing Landslide.

now Landslide is a beautiful and haunting song and it's going to be great on the eardrums regardless of whether it's Fleetwood Mac, the Dixie Chicks or the UNC Clef Hangers doing the singing. however, it's also a song about growing apart in a relationship and it is essentially a break-up song that you'd dedicate to someone that you don't hate.

i've also read that the song is about cocaine use. either way, not really an appropriate song for a wedding.

now aside from Landslide, i've come up with a list of 11 songs on my iPod that i won't play at your wedding. seriously MK, i'm available on the 10th.

Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You": as Chastity and a previous blog post will attest, my hatred of that "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins" movie was centered on the misuse of this song. this song is sung from the perspective of "the other woman" in an affair. it's a good song but i'm not sure if lyrics about cheating should be brought onto the dance floor at a wedding.
Mr. C's "Cha Cha Slide": i was told by a reliable source (the bride) that this song was banned from the Bootenhoff wedding. now, Anna banned it because her days at camp had burned her out on the song but i won't play it because the song is too long. the version on my iTunes lasts 6:28. that's just too much hopping and too much sliding and my fear is that some drunk uncle would eventually slip and break his hip during this song. party foul.
Usher's "Nice and Slow": this song is for the bedroom, not the dance floor. come on now, there are kids around!
Beyonce's "Single Ladies": the only girl that matters at the wedding is no longer single...
Chris Brown's "Forever": first off, i'm just tired of this song being played at weddings. it was cute when that first couple did it, awesome when the Office did it but by the time that one of my friends from Montana did it, it had kind of been played out. also, i just don't like the idea of a new love being christened by a woman beater.
Michael Buble's "Home": nothing against the Buble but i have to listen to him at every bed and breakfast i go to. i need a break.
Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean": i don't mind so much that this is a song about some stalker with a paternity issue. my problem is that someone will try to moonwalk and it won't be pretty.
Justin Bieber's "Baby": the kids will love it and the grandmothers might think that the DJ is playing a little known Frankie Valli song. but you'll hate the next four minutes of your life, i guarantee it. we also probably shouldn't continue to reward Ludacris for that whole selling out thing.
Rascal Flatt's "God Bless the Broken Road": this is a song that says that a person's past mistakes and relationships were worth it because it brought two lovebirds together. so yea, this isn't something that should be sung at your second wedding when you're a mother of four and that so-called mistake of a relationship with your ex-husband got you your four children/mistakes who are currently sitting in the audience. thanks mom.
Next's "Too Close": they used to play this song at our Junior High dances and i grew up thinking that it was an innocent little song. it is not.
Bob Carlisle's "Butterfly Kisses": this isn't a bad song but i'm tired of Carlisle having a monopoly on the "Father Dances With Daughter" market. can I suggest this Will Smith classic?
The Manhattan's "Shining Star": this song will be played at Team Us' wedding. don't steal our thunder.

so there you go. hire me.

Brian McKnight, play us out.

don't blame us for the Casey Anthony drama

2011-07-07T13:42:00.009-05:00

so did you hear that Casey Anthony got a few "not guilty" verdicts the other day?

now, we could channel our inner-Nancy Grace and spend a lot of time with two important questions: do i think that she did it? (kind of...) and is she hot? (kind of...). but instead of talking about guilt and Casey Anthony's BBoB candidacy, i'd like to spend a few minutes talking about Team Journalism.

it took about six minutes after the trial ended before the Casey Anthony lawyers spent some time lecturing the media about how awful they were. they, of course, did this in front of cameras and their words (and subsequent paychecks) were enhanced because of the coverage that the media gave them over the past few years. but whatever.

i don't get why the media is always painted in a corner. was the coverage one-sided? yes but it wasn't like the defense was letting Casey Anthony sit down with Barbara Walters to give her side of the story. was the coverage unnecessary considering that people are murdered every day? yea but America loves itself some white Milf action and CNN and those other outlets were willing to give the people what they want.

i'm not going to fault the news media for earning some paper because America is obsessed with Casey Anthony's partying and bad parenting skills. however, i will be bothered when Casey Anthony sits down for her first interview because that one-on-one time is not going to be free and i don't think that interview should be paid for, regardless of who is on the other end of the microphone.

so let's cross our fingers and hope that some promo for an exclusive Casey Anthony interview isn't shown during a How I Met Your Mother commercial break in a few months. if that happens, i might find a time machine and join Jose Baez's crew for their "shame-on-you" media lecture.

Gnarls Barkley, play us out.

Facebook is starting to get on my nerves

2011-07-02T17:44:00.005-05:00

i think that i may be getting too old for the Facebook.

you see, i'm an old-school Facebooker. i've mentioned this before but i remember the days when you could clear people's walls and only college kids could join the Facebook. i remember the days when photo albums were limited to 60 photos and the biggest plus to having a Facebook account was the ability to find bikini photos of that cute girl in your economics class.

now i can't clear walls and you don't need a college degree to have a Facebook account although some of my friends have proven that should be a requirement. i've seen 200-picture photo albums that take four hours to get through and my 17-year-old sister posts swimsuit photos now so that pasttime has been ruined.

every morning i also have to wade through piles of useless Facebook updates/posts. let me breakdown my hate.. er, hit list:

kids: i don't care about your kids. i don't want to see your photos of them and i don't really get why people use their kids' mug as their own profile picture. i also don't care about your deadbeat ex so maybe you should leave your custody complaints to yourself.
animals: i don't care about your animals. i don't want to see your photos of them and i don't really get why people use their animal's mug as their own profile picture. i also don't care about your deadbeat ex so maybe you should leave your custody complaints to yourself.
shoes and hot chicks: listen, don't accept friend requests from people who you don't know. because i'm tired of seeing your name tagged in photos of shoes and decent-looking women who are taking photos of themselves in the mirror.
the Justin Bieber link: i am honestly shocked with how many of my friends click on those "Justin Bieber Writes A Terrible Thing on Twitter" and "Father Walks In On Hot Daughter Stripping" links.
Farmville: who still plays this game? i'm blocking the next person who asks me to water their crops.
Twitter posts: i read your posts on Twitter. i don't need to read the same thing on Facebook.

i dunno, maybe i'm just bitter. maybe i'm just old. or maybe i'm just upset that i know that one day i'll be the Farmville-obsessed guy who is posting 167 kid/puppy photos, clicking on Justin Bieber links and also befriending random girls who like to take photos in the mirror. sigh, i can see my future and i don't like it.

Justin Bieber, play us out.

i may be the only one who liked Larry Crowne

2011-07-02T17:23:00.006-05:00

me and Chastity went to the movies again on Friday and since Chastity loves herself some Tom Hanks, we went to Larry Crowne.

i actually liked it. Chastity actually liked it. then i read some movie reviews and felt like an idiot because i liked it.

look, this movie isn't going to win anything at the Oscars and there were several blemishes in the script but who expects to be amazed by a romantic comedy? the cast was great, i laughed a few times, my girlfriend got to see Tom Hanks in his underwear and i got to spend a few minutes with Taraji P. it was a good usage of Chastity's Groupon purchase.

oh, and i was introduced to Gugu Mbatha-Raw. she's lovely.

i give this one a $6 rating. it's not a great film but it's better than watching Justin Timberlake butcher a decent movie for 92 minutes.

Taylor Swift, play us out.

Timberlake is suddenly a Bad Teac..er, Actor

2011-06-27T23:02:00.005-05:00

hey folks, we're coming to you live from Denver this evening.

since we're a mile above sea level, we could talk about a Monday that included a ridiculous wait at the Austin airport, a tour around Coors Field, a trip to a restaurant that was featured on that Man v. Food show or me and Chastity's dinner with my aunt. but... let's talk about a movie that i just saw in Austin.

this past Saturday, Chastity and i went to see Bad Teacher and it was sort of bad.

well, it wasn't terrible. the story idea was solid, i got a few laughs in, i thought Jason Segel was good and there was a funny poop joke that appeased the 13-year-old in me.

but there was one big problem in this movie and it was Justin Timberlake and that was disappointing because i think the guy is really talented. everyone knows the guy can sing and he proved in The Social Network that he is a somewhat capable actor but in Bad Teacher, JT is awful in both arenas. odd.

i'll give this movie a $5 rating, which isn't that impressive since we now grade on a $10 scale. i would have gone higher but JT destroyed any credibility he earned in the Facebook movie and his vocal performance actually made me long for the days that he and J.C. were making hits with those other three back-up singers.

N'SYNC, play us out.

a fake Danny Davis just had fun at Forever 21

2011-06-21T20:44:00.007-05:00

Rebirth 2011 update: opened today at 259. not a lot of weight loss but i managed to not gain any weight on Saturday so we'll chalk this up as a win. i've hit the gym twice this week already so let's see if i can keep this momentum going.

anyways... while this past weekend was a lot of fun, there was also a little bit of drama involved.

we'll start with the minor drama... the Red Robin closest to my house closed and i was treated to this news on Sunday. now while this is probably good news for my weight loss plans, this was awful news to my psyche since i do love me some Clucks N Fries and i don't think that i'll be able to convince Chastity that the 16.76 mile drive to the restaurant up north is worth it.

and here's the major drama... i have three cards in my wallet that can be used as currency: my debit card, my work credit card and a personal credit card that i really only use for big purchases. well, the credit card information for the third card was stolen last week.

i arrived in Marble Falls on Saturday and attempted to check into my hotel but my Visa was declined, which was weird since i had just used it a few days earlier to pay for my tuxedo rental at Men's Warehouse. i asked them to run the card again and eventually they just jotted down the numbers manually and told me that they'd call me if they ran into any more problems.

i went to my room but i was still curious as to why my card was declined so i called my bank to see what was up. the bank then told me that my card was declined because they had put a hold on the card since there had recently been some suspicious charges.

according to my credit card statement, i went on a California shopping spree the day after i paid for my tuxedo. what did i buy? well, i dropped nearly $300 at Forever 21, Aeropostale and two California gas stations.

obviously i didn't make those purchases (i wasn't in California and i'm not cool enough to shop at Forever 21) so they canceled out my credit card and i have to deal with the fraud department sometime this week. blah. i'm sure that i'll get that money back but i still felt like i needed to take a shower after i got off the phone with my bank.

i don't understand how someone can go on a shopping spree with someone else's hard-earned money. i can get how someone needs to steal a few dollars in an effort to survive and feed his/her family but i don't know why someone needed to steal my credit card information in an effort to buy a few skirts for the summer.

so yea, i'm a victim. i will now accept your sympathy in the comments section.

Michael Jackson, play us out.

two more Ball Bustas head down the aisle

2011-06-20T12:57:00.012-05:00

this summer has been full of Ball Busta weddings and this past weekend was no different.

already this summer, we've seen Anna and Booty get married and David and Heather tied the knot a few weeks ago. on Saturday, Emily and Seth stepped up to the plate (did you notice that softball reference? it's only Monday and i'm already throwing down some clever-ness).

now, this was a special wedding for our franchise because Seth and Emily met in the Ball Bustas' dugout when Seth showed up one day as a substitute and their love blossomed in the outfield as they were often stuck out there during our 20-run shellackings. i'm not sure if that's the story that they'll tell their grandchildren but this is my blog and i'm telling all you single people to sign up because our softball team starts relationships. no really, if you are halfwhat decent and you're single, you should play. we need bodies.

so Seth and Emily got married on Saturday and they let me be an usher (the kind that walks people to their seat, not the kind who sings slow jamz). i was also asked to do a reading but we'll talk about that in a few seconds.

the weekend was a lot of fun. i got to dress up in a tuxedo, attend a rehearsal dinner and meet Seth and Emily's families. i also got to reunite with old friends who had moved away from Austin, hang out with some new peeps and witness Mettler's pick-up skills. there was also an open bar, which or course led to me owning the Cupid Shuffle on the dance floor.

as for my reading of the Prayer of the Faithful? well, it didn't exactly happen. there were four readings scheduled for the wedding and i was somehow skipped over on Saturday, which is a shame because i was going to sing my seven paragraphs (imagine a Kanye West/BEP/Backstreet Boys/Otis Redding/Donnie McClurkin concert...). but Father Jim is in his 80s so we'll forgive him for forgetting and Emily's smile was a mile long as she got to walk down the aisle with her groom so that's all that really matters.

this was honestly a great weekend and i'd like to thank Seth and Emily for letting me be a part of it. i've also got to give their parents a shout-out for being so generous and for throwing two great parties.

so yea, we've got three weddings down and two more Ball Busta weddings to go. Renee is up in about a month and then our fearless pitcher will get married in September.

soon we're going to be having kids at our softball games and the term "Ball Bustas" is going to be less of a softball name and more of a nickname for the wives as they nag us to rake the yard during the Sunday football games. we're getting old.

R. Kelly, play us out.

i've ditched the soda and become a water-holic

2011-06-15T16:15:00.005-05:00

so i'm on the third day of this "Rebirth 2011" tour and one of my goals has been to lose weight. of course, i've begun to attack this problem at the gym and on the trail (signs of summer #1: it was 80 degrees out when i went running this morning... at 6:30 a.m.) but i've also focused a bit on my diet.

now i don't have the will power or desire to kick this thing off with a crash diet but i'm trying to eat better. i'm eating fruit and throwing carrots into my lunch and i've managed to avoid McDonald's this week (yea, i know we're three days in but we're talking about baby steps).

i've also stopped drinking soda. well, this was something that i have been trying to do for a while but this "Rebirth 2011" thing has given me a little bit of added motivation.

i have this problem with soda. i can go months without drinking it but then i'll suddenly have a craving and i'll be drinking six Dr. Pepper's a day. i've also become a bit addicted to those energy drinks because, ya know, i apparently desire everything that is ridiculously unhealthy.

why so many sodas? well, i like the taste of an ice cold Dr. Pepper and since i don't get that much sleep, the caffeine boost is always a plus. but i also know that sodas are bad for me.

so my beverage selection now consists of water and beer.

this week, i've probably drank more water than i had in the past month. i have been abusing this Nalgene-like water bottle that i found at Chastity's and i have reignited my lifelong dream to be a spokesman for Dasani. i have also become close friends with various bathrooms across the city because that water does not like to hang out with my bladder for very long.

so there ya go, i'm trying to be healthier. cheers.

Trey Songz and Nicki, play us out.

2011 Armchair Quarterback: NL Central

2011-06-13T20:44:00.007-05:00

NL Central (because it's better late than never)

1. Milwaukee Brewers: the Brewers already had a line-up that made fantasy nerds salivate and the team's pitching rotation was vastly improved in the off-season through trades with Toronto and Kansas City. Wisconsin already has cheese, the Packers and Laverne and Shirley to boast about so it was only a matter of time before the Brewers joined the Awesome Club.
Biggest Addition: SP Zach Greinke (traded from Kansas City)
Biggest Loss: SS Alcides Escobar (traded to Kansas City)

2. Cincinnati Reds: the Reds have the reigning NL MVP, a closer who starts on my fantasy baseball team and a pitcher who can steal... t-shirts (allegedly). plus their rookies all go through Billings so i've got a lot of love for the Reds.
Biggest Addition: SS Edgar Renteria (signed from San Francisco)
Biggest Loss: SS Orlando Cabrera (signed with Cleveland)

3. St. Louis Cardinals: the great news is that if it wasn't for St. Louis, we may have never gotten this song. the good news is that the Cardinals can hit. the bad news is that the team lost a stud when Adam Wainwright suffered an elbow injury. the worst news is that a third place prediction will be considered a blessing next year when Albert Pujous is playing somewhere else.
Biggest Addition: OF Lance Berkman (signed from New York Yankees)
Biggest Loss: SP Adam Wainwright (injury)

4. Pittsburgh Pirates: eventually karma has to shine favorably on the Pittsburgh teams whose star players aren't accused of sexual assault.
Biggest Addition: none
Biggest Loss: SP Zach Duke (traded to Arizona)

5. Chicago Cubs: well Le, at least you can look forward to having Albert Pujous as your first baseman in 2012. but until then, enjoy Carlos Pena and his 7,098 strikeouts and .220ish batting average.
Biggest Addition: 1B Carlos Pena (signed from Tampa Bay)
Biggest Loss: SP Carlos Silva (released)

6. Houston Astros: the Ball Bustas could probably give the Astros a run for their money... and we went 1-7 this past season with our only win being a forfeit.
Biggest Addition: 2B Clint Barmes (traded from Colorado)
Biggest Loss: RP Matt Lindstrom (traded to Colorado) Nicki Minaj, play us out.

Summer 2011: The Rebirth

2011-06-13T12:03:00.013-05:00

last week, i covered my last athletic event of the 2010-11 school year. so guess what kids? i'm on summer vacation!!!!!!

well, i'm not really on summer vacation. i still have to be somewhat productive at work and i'll have two projects due over the next three weeks. but since i'm not covering the Express anymore and i'll have no high school events to attend, i may have 10 bylines between now and early August.

Chastity and i will be heading to Denver at the end of the month for our annual vacation. my other big plan for the next two months? to re-find myself.

i don't think it's a groundbreaking statement to say that i don't like myself. i'm not suicidal or anything and it's sad that the positive things in my life (great girl, good job, good friends, decent softball team) are overshadowed by the negative stuff but whatever, i'm just not a fan of the man in the mirror. i'm fat, i hate my parents and i'm not a huge fan of where my career is heading.

the fatness is easy to explain. i've never been a hard worker but i've always been a big eater and when my metabolism decided to crap out on me, the results were not good. i've gone through spurts where i've worked hard and during last summer's Weight Loss Challenge, i got down to the 235 mark. this morning, the scale read 259.2.

i'm a pretty self-conscious person so that doesn't help things. i don't like shopping and i often buy clothes that are too big so that my frame can be somewhat hidden. i'm worried about what people think of me and all too often, i find myself worrying about my weight at work. my weight is an easy target for people who hate me and i often think that i'm looked down upon because i'm interviewing these athletes who are in peak form and i'm a pail of blubber.

next topic: the family issues aren't as easy to explain. so i'm not going to.

next topic: work.

i've always been a pretty cocky person and i've always thought that i was good at what i did. nobody was better than me and i had the track record to prove it. i became an editor at my high school newspaper as a sophomore and i began working for the Kaimin as a freshman. i interned for two good newspapers and i got a job right out of college that people in their 30s and 40s would kill for.

the first year at the Statesman was rough. after being the big man on campus for so long, it was tough to have someone tell me that my work wasn't good enough. but i was young and i got better and my confidence was soon restored. the next few years were fine.

for a lot of different reasons, this past year was not good. mainly, i was passed over for a promotion that i thought i deserved and my work has become edited a lot. i've spent a lot of time debating what went wrong, trying to decide whether i should blame my editor or if i should take another look at myself. for now, i'm going to go with the latter.

so my goal this summer is to try to restore some of the confidence that i had when i first got to Austin.

how am i going to do that? well, this confidence will be found at the gym and at my computer.

i am going to try to hit the gym more frequently and i will be posting weekly updates on this blog (more on that in a few seconds) so that someone can hold me accountable. maybe if i can shed some pounds, i will feel more confident in the field.

outside of the gym, i am going to work toward becoming a better reporter.

i'm going to a reporter's training course this week and i'll hopefully find some similar things to attend over the next few months. i'm going to read a lot more and i'll start with the new Grantland website and the ESPN book that has been decorating my bookcase for the last two or three weeks. i'm also going to blog more because this forum allows me to write and maybe that artistic freedom can dust off the cobwebs.

so there ya go.

Michael Jackson, play us out.

there is a Beyonce reference in this Osama rant

2011-05-06T12:19:00.008-05:00

i went to bed early on Sunday. big mistake.

an hour into my slumber i was awoken by Chastity, who was watching the Simpsons when some important news broke. i quickly learned that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

the next few hours brought me feelings of pride and disappointment.

why was i prideful? because Osama Bin Laden was a bastard who needed to die. 9-11 was one of those events that drastically altered the make-up of my generation so it was nice to get some type of closure...

... and that brings me to my disappointment. apparently, a lot of my peers agreed with me, which is why the youngans from across the nation started celebrating like they had won the World Series.

at first, i looked at these shots on my TV and thought "College kids will do just about anything to avoid studying. Honestly, Obama could have made an announcement that we bombed Iceland and those kids would have still been at the White House." but then i thought, why exactly are we celebrating?

it feels weird to celebrate a death. there have been some terrible people that have walked this Earth. Hitler. Bin Laden. Beyonce. and my faith comforts me in the belief that those people will eventually get what's coming to them. but does that mean that i should drink a beer when they pass on to that fire-ish pit below?

and even if you do buy into the notion that Bin Laden's death should be celebrated, should we really be that prideful about the act? it took us 10 years to capture him and by the time we took him out, he was more of a figurehead than an actual player in the War on Terror. life didn't change on Monday morning. terrorism still exists. i don't think it's any worse, i don't think it's any better but it still exists.

anyways, i just thought that it was weird. it was also odd to see all of this unfold on Facebook and Twitter. when 9-11 happened, we had the news. that was it. i didn't even have a cell phone when 9-11 happened so i didn't even talk to my parents about it until after i got home from football practice (i think my mother may have sent a note through the school telling me that my uncle, who is a pilot, was alright).

but on Sunday night, Facebook and Twitter were abuzz and everyone seemed to be unified. and that was nice, since those sentiments lasted about 12 hours. honestly, prideful status bombarded my news feed on Sunday night but by the time i woke up, there was a whole lot of cyber-bickering between my Republican friends and my Democrat friends because, ya know, it's important to determine RIGHT NOW which one of two presidents with as much military experience as you and me deserves more credit for an operation that took place thousands of miles away from home.

i don't really know where this rant is going so i'm going to wrap this blog up. i'm glad that we finally took out Osama but i'm not going to crack open a champagne bottle because, honestly, my life did not change that much on May 1, 2011.

Lee Greenwood, play us out.

can anyone at McKinley High actually sing?

2011-04-20T11:41:00.006-05:00

i promised Le that i'd blog about something she likes today but i'm not going to bore you yet with talk about her Cubs. and since i only seem to blog about baseball and Glee these days... and i just promised you that i wouldn't talk about baseball... we're going to talk about Glee for a few seconds.

i woke up early today so i could watch last night's episode before work and an interesting thought went through my head: are the glee club members the least talented people on Glee?

think about it.

Sunshine doesn't belong to the glee club but she's better than either Rachel or my girl Mercedes. even when they are butchering up Robin Thicke in the GAP, the Warblers have all fared better this season than any male member of the glee club and/or Justin Bieber cover band. and as much as this pains me to say this, i'd much rather listen to Gwyneth Paltrow's Landslide than anything that Matthew Morrison has recorded this year.

if you think of your favorite performances this year, how many were done by members of the glee club? i liked Rachel's cover of the Paramore song but that is a distant fifth in my list behind the Warblers' take on Katy Perry and Wings, Gwyneth's Landslide and Sunshine's showing up of Beyonce.

however, if i think of some of the season's worst performances... well, i mean here is that closing argument. yea, the glee club is heading to nationals because of Rachel's alleged song-writing abilities but they should have been disqualified for that Michael Jackson desecration.

how do you solve this problem? have Sunshine and Santana join the Warblers and that would be a CD worth buying... if anyone bought CDs anymore.

The Justin Bieber Experience, play us out.

reviewing Bar-B-Q, Janet and Hot Tub movies

2011-04-07T18:19:00.012-05:00

so i've been talking about baseball a lot these days and i know that not everybody loves our national pastime (cou*CHASTITYCOLBERT*gh). so for all of you baseball haters, i've got three non-baseball reviews to satisfy your baseball-hating eye sockets.

REVIEW #1 (this one is for the tastebuds)

people in Texas love their Bar-B-Q and to be honest, what's not to love? beef + sauce = a good time (and yes, you can probably make that sentence mean a few things).

over my four years in Austin, i've become a fan of the Bar-B-Q. we have a few decent chain restaurants in Austin and Chastity and i went on a delicious jaunt through Lockhart a year or so ago. but there was always one place that i wanted to hit up.

for the past few months, Franklin's has been just a myth to me. one day, myself and a few friends went to the infamous trailer at around 12:30 p.m. on a Saturday only to find out that the place had sold all of its beef. that's what apparently happened a lot. about a month ago, Franklin's ditched the trailer and moved into an old shack off the highway but whenever i drove by the place, there was either a line out the door or a "Sold Out" sign on the door.

last Saturday, Chastity was at a brunch and i was hungry so i called up Brandon and we agreed to try out the Franklin's. the place opened at 11 a.m. and my arrival at 10:15 earned me the fourth place in line. by 10:30 a.m., a significant line had formed and by the time the doors opened, there was little doubt that the people at the end of the line were not getting any food on Saturday.

it took about 20 minutes for us to get served and i spent nearly $40 (lunch + leftovers = expensive) but it took only two bites for me to buy into the hype.

best. ribs. ever. honestly, it's been a week and i'm still having dreams about those things and these are the dirty dreams. i would probably kill for a plate of those ribs so if you hear about my sudden arrest, it's because the fine folks at Franklin's asked me to take someone out.

i also had some brisket, which wasn't bad, and some decent sausage. i wasn't a huge fan of the place's Bar-B-Q sauces but if that's my only complaint then things went pretty well.

so yea, Franklin's is great. and i need to go change my sheets.

REVIEW #2 (this one is for the eardrums)

for Valentine's Day, i got Chastity a pair of tickets to Janet Jackson's upcoming concert in Austin and on Sunday, we spent some time with Mike's little sister.

i'll be honest, i don't know much about Janet's catalog. if you asked me to name her top three songs, i'd probably have to throw All For You in there. but Chastity is a huge fan so to see her squeal like a 7-year-old on Christmas made the purchase worth it.

the concert was actually fine. Janet sounded good, looked great and the atmosphere at the Moody Theater was cool. i didn't go out and purchase any Janet songs afterward (i was partially broke since i spent about $87 for two beers and a Sprite at the concert) but i had a fun time on Sunday.

like with my food reviews, i am going to have to think of a catchy way to grade concerts. i'll get back to you on that one.

REVIEW #3 (this one is for the eyeballs)

i will keep this short.

a few weeks ago, i drove by a Blockbuster that was going out of business so i stopped by and bought a cheap copy of Hot Tub Time Machine. i finally got around to watching the movie last night.

i'll give it a $4 rating. the movie had its laughs and i'm all for any reference to Black Eyed Peas karaoke but i'm glad that i was partially distracted by work because i may have become dumber if i devoted all of my attention to that movie.

oh k, that's all i've got for you. if i was to give this blog a review, i'd throw down an "awesome" rating.

Janet Jackson, play us out.

2011 Armchair Quarterback: NL East

2011-04-06T20:18:00.006-05:00

NL East

1. Philadelphia Phillies: Roy Halladay? filthy. Cliff Lee? filthy. Roy Oswalt? old but filthy. Cole Hamels? decent. yea, good luck against that rotation in the playoffs.
Biggest Addition: SP Cliff Lee (signed from Texas)
Biggest Loss: OF Jayson Werth (signed with Washington)

2. Atlanta Braves: does TBS televise Atlanta Braves games anymore? i know that they show a lit of Conan, crappy Tyler Perry shows and re-runs of Friends, Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond but Jason Heyward and his friends are worth watching too.
Biggest Addition: 2B Dan Uggla (traded from Florida)
Biggest Loss: manager Bobby Cox (retired)

3. New York Mets: well, we know two things about the Mets this season. 1) the Madoff jokes aren't going to stop. 2) Jose Reyes and David Wright are going to both have monster years and then they'll parlay those successes into big contracts with someone other than the Mets.
Biggest Addition: none
Biggest Loss: none

4. Florida Marlins: i'll be honest, the only reason i care about the Marlins is because Hanley Ramirez is on my fantasy baseball team.
Biggest Addition: C John Buck (signed from Toronto)
Biggest Loss: 2B Dan Uggla (traded to Atlanta)

5. Washington Nationals: the nation's capital has a lot of good things going for it in the sense that Obama lives there and a recent season of Top Chef was shot there. as for the capital city's baseball team? yikes. .. well, at least football season is only a few months awa... oh wait, D.C. is the home of the Redski... oh well, at least there is always basketball with the Wiza... sheesh. oh well, OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!
Biggest Addition: OF Jayson Werth (signed from Philadelphia)
Biggest Loss: 1B Adam Dunn (signed with Chicago White Sox)

B-list celebrities, play us out.

2011 Armchair Quarterback: AL West

2011-04-02T16:06:00.006-05:00

AL West

1. Texas Rangers: as much as i'd like the Rangers to suck (and i'd really like them to be awful), it appears that they'll score enough runs for me to anticipate another season of bandwagon fans from the Austin area talking about claws and antlers. sigh.
Biggest Addition: 3B Adrian Beltre (signed from Boston)
Biggest Loss: SP Cliff Lee (signed with Philadelphia)

2. LA Angels of Anaheim: the Angels' outfield (Torii Hunter, Vernon Wells, Bobby Abreu) reminds me of an old man intramural softball team. those old men are going to win the Angels some games and they'll post some highlights but you know that somebody is going to eventually break a hip while trying to do something routine.
Biggest Addition: OF Vernon Wells (traded from Toronto)
Biggest Loss: DH Hideki Matsui (signed with Oakland)

3. Oakland A's: Now starting at first base for your Oakland A's... Daaaaric Barton!!!! And at second base... Maaaaaaaaaark Ellis!!! And at shortstop, we've got... Cliiiiiiiiiiiff Pennington!!! And at third base...Kevin Kouuuuuuuuuuuuuzmanoff!!! And if you thought that the infield was nothing to lose sleep over, your starting centerfielder is CoCo Criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisp!!!!
Biggest Addition: DH Hideki Matsui (signed from LA Angels of Anaheim)
Biggest Loss: 3B Eric Chavez (signed with New York Yankees)

4. Seattle Mariners: i think that i've picked the Mariners to win this division the last two years. i'm not going to make that mistake this year.
Biggest Addition: none
Biggest Loss: 1B Russell Branyan (signed with Arizona)

Katy Perry, play us out.

Tastebud's Texas Tour 2011: Uchiko

2011-03-28T21:16:00.009-05:00

it's not often that this blog dishes out restaurant reviews because, honestly, my idea of a fine dining experience is a trip to Johnny Carino's. or, if it's an important occasion, the Olive Garden.

but because my beautiful girlfriend is a food snob and since i am friends with people who frown upon such great restaurants as Red Robin, i'm trying to expand my horizons. over the past month or so, i've been trying to take a weekly trip to an Austin-ish eatery and i've been eating some decent grub.

on Saturday, i made my first-ever trip to Uchiko.

i actually hate sushi. the smell of fish makes be sick and i'd rather eat your chili-flavored feces than some fresh trout. but our married friends Sarah and Skylar have nearby birthdays and Uchiko is one of their favorite places to eat so i really didn't have a say in the matter.

so i went. i didn't eat any fish but the food i had was good. unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of food to eat. Chastity and i split two dishes, an appetizer and we had two other appetizers that were shared among our table of eight... and if i hadn't had the Cap 10k the next morning, i would have made a stop at McDonald's on the way home.

Uchiko is also one of those restaurants whose name alone adds about $50 to the bill. i paid $105 for our meal and i probably got about $17 worth of food. but whatever, it was a good experience and i had some fun.

so to recap my Uchiko experience: the food was good, the environment was fine and the prices were absurd. i'll need to figure out some clever way to grade the stops on Tastebud's Texas Tour 2011 so stay tuned...

next up on TTT 2011: the Chipotle by my apartment complex.

Jimmy Buffett, play us out.

2011 Armchair Quarterback: AL Central

2011-03-28T12:36:00.005-05:00

it's baseball preview time so let's talk about the awful Royals while also making random references to bad TV shows and movies from my childhood.

AL Central

1. Minnesota Twins: the Ball Bustas could suit up in Twin uniforms and somehow still win the Central. i don't know how the Twins do it but it seems like they are destined for a happy ending every year. someone should seriously do a movie about these guys.
Biggest Addition: 2B Tsuyoshi Nishioka (signed from Chiba Lotte Marines)
Biggest Loss: RP Brian Fuentes (signed with Oakland)

2. Chicago White Sox: if someone is going to knock off the Twins, it's going to be the White Sox. Chicago's better team (yea Le, i said it) has some big names in its line-up but the team's success may depend on if Gordon Beckham and Carlos Quentin can bounce back from disappointing seasons and if Jake Peavy can still pitch.
Biggest Addition: DH Adam Dunn (signed from Washington)
Biggest Loss: RP Bobby Jenks (signed with Boston)

3. Detroit Tigers: the Tigers have a decent pitching staff and the signing of Victor Martinez will help that line-up... but have you seen that outfield... and the section of their infield that doesn't include Miguel Cabrera... could be a long season in Detroit so insert your own inappropriate Miguel Cabrera drinking joke here (for bonus points, insert your own jokes about Detroit being a craphole that is now know for Chrysler commercials)
Biggest Addition: DH Victor Martinez (signed from Boston)
Biggest Loss: DH Johnny Damon (signed with Tampa Bay)

4. Cleveland Indians: Cleveland has to be a depressing place to live. the Cavs stink, the Browns are moderately awful and the Indians are only a teeny bit better than the Royals. and to add injury to insult, that city's claim to fame in the pop culture universe is the Drew Carey Show. sad.
Biggest Addition: 2B Orlando Cabrera (signed from Minnesota)
Biggest Loss: none

5. Kansas City Royals: according to every fantasy draft that i've been involved with this year (and i've participated in two), the Royals have one of the league's best closers in Joakim Soria. but since the team's top starter is Luke Hochevar (career stats: 19-32, 5.60 ERA), don't expect Soria to be getting many save chances until he gets traded to the Red Sox or some good team in June.
Biggest Addition: OF Melky Cabrera (signed from Atlanta)
Biggest Loss: SP Zach Greinke (traded to Milwaukee)

B.E.P., play us out.

2011 Armchair Quarterback: AL East

2011-03-27T21:32:00.010-05:00

hello kiddos, it's baseball preview time. last year, i properly predicted two of the six division winners and five of the eight playoff teams so, in baseball terms, those .333/.625 batting averages weren't bad although, in Vegas terms, that Philly over Tampa Bay World Series pick probably wasn't a home run.

let's kick this series off with a look at the AL East.

AL East

1. Boston Red Sox: this is not the Boston team that i saw at Fenway Park last season and this is not the Boston team that missed the playoffs last year. this Boston team is salivating. Boston's line-up was already pretty impressive but it added Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez and if Jacoby Ellsbury remains healthy, that will make both Red Sox fans and fantasy nerds like me rejoice. i'm not overly excited about the Red Sox's pitching staff but that team is going to be scoring 17 runs a game so i could probably win 10 or 11 games on the pitching mound.
Biggest Addition: OF Carl Crawford (signed from Tampa Bay)
Biggest Loss: C Victor Martinez (signed with Detroit)

2. Baltimore Orioles: every year i keep hearing about how the youthful and talented Orioles are going to make a move in the AL East standings. every year i keep hearing about how the youthful and talented Orioles are a year or so away from contending. well Baltimore, it's time to crap or get off the pot.
Biggest Addition: 3B Mark Reynolds (traded from Arizona)
Biggest Loss: SP Kevin Millwood (signed with New York Yankees)

3. New York Yankees: love that line-up and that bullpen is solid but the Yankees' starting rotation is a nightmare. trust me, i had both Phil Hughes and A.J. Burnett on my fantasy baseball team last season and they derailed my title hopes so i can only imagine what they are going to do in New York as the Yankees' No. 2 and 3 starters.
Biggest Addition: RP Rafael Soriano (signed from Tampa Bay)
Biggest Loss: SP Andy Pettitte (retired)

4. Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays: Carl Crawford and his 2010 statline of .307, 19 HRs, 90 RBIs and 47 SBs? gone. Carlos Pena and his 144 home runs over the last four seasons? gone. Rafael Soriano and his 45 saves from last season? gone. Tampa Bay and its bandwagon fans' playoff hopes? gone.
Biggest Addition: OF Carl Crawford (signed with Boston)
Biggest Loss: DH Manny Ramirez (signed from Chicago White Sox)

5. Toronto Blue Jays: so when does Jose Bautista fall back down to Earth?
Biggest Addition: OF Rajai Davis (traded from Oakland)
Biggest Loss: OF Vernon Wells (traded to LA Angels of Anaheim)

Alabama, play us out.

in eight years, i'll be running the 10k in 20 minutes

2011-03-27T17:36:00.008-05:00

today i ran the street of Austin for the second year in a row.

yip, it was Cap 10k time folks.

last year, my goal at the Cap 10k was to finish. i had never been a runner in high school and my cross-country accolades include a second-to-last placing at some mile-long race i ran in during fourth or fifth grade. so i trained and trained and trained and i finished with a time of 1:33.34.

this year, i was incredibly excited to run this race and, back in September, i was the first person to sign up for the annual run. but my enthusiasm waned and i didn't train that well for this race. i actually didn't start running on a regular basis until last month.

so i headed out to Congress Avenue this morning with a little bit of fear. i wasn't positive that i'd beat my time from last year and i was slightly concerned that i wouldn't finish at all. i'm being serious, there was concern that i'd be passed out over by Austin High in a pile of Uchiko and strawberry Gatorade-flavored barf.

but i did finish and i did beat my time from last year.

i ran with a chip this year and that piece of technology said my time was 1:29.36 but i also ran with the stopwatch on my iPod running and that time said that i ran the course in 1:25.06, a more-accurate number that accounted for the time that i made a stop at a course-side porta-potty.

so that's my story. regardless of what time you want to count as my official time, i can proudly say that i was faster than i was last year and i guess that i'll be contending for the race's championship next year.

Kanye, play us out.

how i think i figured out who the Mother is

2011-03-22T14:07:00.009-05:00

i am convinced that i have figured out who the Mother from How I Met Your Mother is going to be. and this is going to be legen...wait for it... dary.

why am i so confident? oh yea, time to hit you with some bullet-style knowledge.

we know that Ted is supposed to meet the Mother at an upcoming wedding and you'd think that we're talking about his friend Punchy. i don't think that Ted is meeting his dream chick here. why? (a) Ted and Punchy are from Ohio and we already know that the Mother is Rachel Bilson's current roommate and is also a student in a class that Ted thought he was teaching in. what are the odds that a New York schoolgirl would be at the same wedding in Ohio? not good. (b) in this season's opening scene, Ted is outside the church preparing his Best Man speech with Marshall, who is also dressed up. Why would Marshall be dressed so nicely for Punchy's wedding? he wouldn't.
i'm convinced that Barney is the one getting married. he wasn't in that opening scene and this season has been about his maturation. i'm not sure if he will be getting married to Robin or Nora or some random chick but i'm convinced that Barney is going to rapidly fall in love and then head down that aisle.
and that brings me to my third point, the Mother is going to be... Barney's half sister. last night, we found out that after abandoning him, Barney's biological father went off and started a new family. that new family includes a daughter (not featured in this episode) who is off at college.
so let's connect my dots here. assuming that he makes up with his biological father, if Barney were to marry Robin, his half-sister would be at his wedding. Barney's half-sister would also be old enough to be Rachel Bilson's roommate and to attend classes at the college that Ted teaches at. AND a Barney/Robin marriage coupled with the Ted/Barney'sHalfSister marriage would make those "Uncle Barney" and "Aunt Robin" references that Bob Saget makes realistic as opposed to the whole we-call-them-your-aunt-and-uncle-because-we're-such-good-friends thing.

so there ya go, now you don't have to watch the next two seasons.

and if you want more predictions from me, i'll be throwing out the first pitch of my baseball preview in the next couple of days.

Kanye, play us out.

Kentucky will give me my One Shining Moment

2011-03-17T12:53:00.002-05:00

well, it's Final Four time so let me hit you with my picks...

East: Kentucky

West: San Diego State

Southwest: Kansas

Southeast: Pitt

and i've got Kentucky beating Kansas in the championship game. final score? 78-72.

Luther Vandross, play us out.

the children need to quit whining about bullying

2011-03-17T09:29:00.008-05:00

like Whitney, i once believed that the children are our future. i thought that we need to teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside. we should gave them a sense of pride to make it easier and let their laughter remind us how we used to be.

scratch that.

the children are not the future. in fact, the children are going to destroy this big blue globe of ours and we can only hope that we're all destined for a quick and painless death.

first off, there's this.

secondly, and excuse my bluntness, kids are wimps.

recently, bullying has grabbed a ridiculous amount of headlines and even Obama has stepped in because, ya know, there isn't anything else that he should be diverting his attention too. i saw an awesome bullying video this week wherein the bully became the bullied but unfortunately, that's not how most people handle bullying.

if you haven't caught on yet, i am not that sympathetic to the plight of the bullied. kids have always been teased for, among other reasons, being too fat, too dorky, too gay, too not-white, too different, too goth, too dumb, too poor, too daddy-less, too mommy-less, too style-less or too female so why are we starting to pay attention to it now?

growing up, i was a kid with huge glasses and short shorts who lived in a predominately white city where i was black enough to be a "nigger" but not black enough to be a "nigga". i was consistently teased and mocked. i turned out fine. in fact, i turned out a lot better than a lot of the people who taunted me and every time that Facebook reminds me of that, a smile creeps across my face.

guess what kids? life is hard so get a helmet. do you think that things are tough now because someone is making fun of your weight? wait until you're an adult and you have to deal with real world problems. i doubt those immature fat jokes are going to sound as terrible when you are a 40-year-old dealing with a divorce or an unemployed 30-something who is wondering how you are to support your family.

remember, words are just words and the kids who use mean words will probably be pumping your gas one day.

nobody likes to be picked on, i get that. and yes, action needs to be taken when bullying turns into violent thuggery. but come on, let's quit coddling our kids because they are going to last about 10 seconds in the Real World if we don't.

Whitney Houston, play us out.

i'm going 40 days without cheese or caffeine

2011-03-09T13:50:00.008-06:00

the next 40 days of my life are not going to be fun.

it's Lent time, the annual shindig where i sacrifice something that i like for the span of 40 days even though i have no connection to the Catholic church.

i began observing the practice in high school because my best friend was Catholic and i keep doing it because i think that it's a good exercise in discipline and sacrifice. and i guess since Jesus died for my sins and saved me from an eternity in a fire-infested hell where they only play Taylor Swift songs, i can give up some material possession for a few weeks.

i've given up video games, pizza, red meat, beer, money and Kool-Aid over the past few years. this year, i'm doing away with caffeine and cheese.

the cheese sacrifice is easy to explain. Chastity wants to participate in Lent this year and she sacrificed cheese. why? you'd have to ask her. but since i grocery shop with Chastity and eat most of my dinners with her, i have to give up cheese because i don't want her to stab me in a few weeks because i'm going to town on a bowl of queso while she is stuck with a broccoli platter.

the caffeine sacrifice was my choice because, frankly, i've kind of become addicted to the stuff. i don't really do sleep so i rely on energy drinks to get me through the day and i've drank enough Mountain Dews to make 12-year-old Danny think that i have a problem. i love my caffeinated sodas but since i love Jesus more, i gave those delicious beverages up.

so we'll see how this ends up.

it's amazing how many things i eat that have cheese in/on them so my diet is going to have to change. it's also amazing that it's currently 1:58 p.m. on Ash Wednesday and my tired soul is desiring a Red Bull.

sigh. if i get to heaven and Taylor Swift is there, i'm going to be really pissed.

Elton John, play us out.

a few words about my divorce from American Idol

2011-03-06T21:17:00.008-06:00

so i haven't been on this thing for a few days.

i don't really know why i haven't blogged. well, i do know but if i wrote it all out, you'd be incredibly disappointed with the time you wasted reading it.

but to make a long story short, my creativity got a pep talk from Charlie Sheen and now we're back to winning. we're not doing drugs but we're winning.

do you know what else i haven't been doing lately? watching American Idol.

now if you've read this blog at all over the past few years, you know that i'm a fan of the Idol. i've used this space to break down many Idol performances and i have also used many words to express my obsession with Syesha Mercado. real talk, my love for America's greatest karaoke contest is even announced on the front page of this blog.

but, real talk again, i haven't been that interested in Idol over the past few years. why? i dunno, it just didn't seem like the contest reflected my musical tastes anymore. there were no more Rubens, Jordin Sparks or even, ugh, Fantasias. sure, i had my favorites like Anoop and Katie Stevens but those kids faded into oblivion early in their seasons and i was stuck watching the rise of no-talent winners like David Cook, Lee DeWyze and Kris Allen (none of which are worthy of a link to a YouTube clip).

and then there were the judges.

when i first got hooked on the show, i would listen to everything those judges would say. then, around 2008, when i was able to afford a cable system with a fast-forward button, i'd fast forward through everyone but Paula and Simon's comments. last year, i'd rocket through all of the comments and then wait until the next day to see if anything that Simon said was heinous enough to make it to an Internet recap.

and now Simon and Paula are both gone and i'm supposed to care about what Jenny from the Block says. sure...

so yes, i just don't care about Idol anymore. i've DVR'd a total of two episodes this season and i haven't watched a minute of either. maybe i'll catch a YouTube clip every now and then but i think that i am going to shift my obsession with FOX musical shows to Glee.

Syesha Mercado, play us out.

its colder in Texas than it is in your freezer

2011-02-03T18:50:00.006-06:00

UPDATE (02/04/11 at 6:30 a.m.): it has snowed up to two inches in some parts of the Central Texas area. schools have called off classes, over 200 car accidents have been reported and a Pepsi truck has been overturned on the highway. this place is about to implode. i am going to grab some mittens and start looting.

as we speak (er, type) right now, it's colder in Austin than it is in Billings.

yea, a little bit of a cold spell has crushed Texas over the past week and, of course, the state has overreacted. we've had power going out, schools getting canceled and about 985.3 sporting events were either moved or postponed. it's what we do in Texas and if it ever snows more than 1/4 of an inch, we're screwed.

that's really all i have to say. it's cold, this state is full of wimps and i need some hot chocolate.

Lady Antebellum, play us out.

is the seventh time the charm?

2011-02-01T09:17:00.007-06:00

well, i bought a new car.

as you may recall, we were taken out by a drunk driver about a month ago. there was hope that The Tres could be saved but the insurance company decided to make her into a pile of scrap metal. sadness.

so for the past few weeks, i've been driving a company car and shopping for a new vehicle. let me tell you, having a company car sucks because your social life if limited to driving between home and work since i'm sure that the fine folks at the Statesman wouldn't like to see their car parked at some bar. and since i'm incredibly impatient, shopping for a new car is about as much fun as blowing a hole through your head.

but over the weekend, i found a vehicle that i liked (a 2010 Mazda Tribute) and i closed the deal yesterday. problem solved.

i hope that me and The Tribute (if you have a better nickname, feel free to suggest one) have a long relationship... but i know that isn't the case. this car is doomed since i am her owner. folks, i have the worst luck with cars...

the 1979 Granada: my first car was a hand-me-down from my great grandma and the car had a serious smoking problem... and that exhaust problem got me pulled over a time or two. but i looked past those imperfections until the breaks went out on my paper route. RIP.
the 1989 Corsica: got into a fender bender at the 2001 Winter Formal with this puppy. i later killed the engine on this one and learned a valuable lesson that you should occasionally change your vehicle's oil. RIP.
the 1992 Taurus: the transmission went out, i fixed it. the engine went out, i ditched it. Little Girl now drives this beast.
the 1980-something Taurus: the transmission went out but this car lasted me about nine months more than we anticipated. this car saved my summer in Tacoma and i still owe Chris' family for this gift. RIP.
the 2001 Jeep: Maria made the trip to Austin with me... and then spent more time in the shop at Lamb's than she did on the roads. finally, a failed transmission sent her to her grave. RIP.
the 2009 Mazda 3: the Tres was taken out by a drunk driver. RIP.

there is also the van story. but that's another story for another day.

in my defense, the only death that should be blamed on me is the Corsica's. the Tres was my first vehicle that didn't have some extreme wear and tear on it and growing up, my parents not only bought cheap cars but they had their friends perform some cheap repairs whenever a problem sprung up. my history with these vehicles should surprise nobody.

but yea, i'll probably be looking for a new car in about four months. better enjoy my time with the Tribute because its untimely death is a forgone conclusion.

Mike Posner, play us out.

can i return this package to its sender?

2011-01-21T10:16:00.006-06:00

i'm a little angry with the people who make phone books. right about now, i hate those people more than clam chowder and terrorists but not as much as, say, Hilary Duff.

let me explain.

i hadn't checked my mailbox in a few days so when i ventured out to the mail center on Wednesday night, i was pleased to see a slip in my mailbox that stated that there was a package waiting for me in the office.

now this was pretty exciting for me because the only people who have my address are the bill collectors. but since i recently got into a car accident and i am still waiting to receive a Christmas present from my parents, i figured that i was going to get something interesting.

well, if you haven't figured out where this story is going... yea, my office was holding a phone book for me. a. phone. book.

that was a huge downer. i was expecting cookies, gift certificates and car accident paperwork and i got a stupid phone book. why did they deliver it to the complex's office? UPS leaves packages at my doorstep so why does a stupid phone book need the protection of the apartment office? who even uses phone books anymore? i am currently typing away on the only phone book that i need and i use my back-up phone book to make phone calls.

i was disappointed. and angry. in fact, i'm not even going to recycle this waste of paper so i'm taking suggestions on whether i should throw it away, feed it page by page to my garbage disposal or use it to start a bonfire on the apartment putting green.

ldsgsrjgsjgjgykjdhyjkhn (that's angry typing right there).

Lady Gaga, play us out.

this just in: i'm losing my luscious locks

2011-01-16T14:51:00.005-06:00

i promised this blog on Wednesday but life got in the way so let's do this thing today.

i covered the grand opening of a renovated baseball field on Tuesday and during the media's mass interview of Rockies pitcher Huston Street, the above photo was snapped.

now, some people might look at that photo and say "hey, that's cool that you interviewed a major leaguer." i look at that photo and say "uh oh, i'm balding."

yea, look at my hairline in the photo. at first i thought that i was having a bad hair day but after spending some quality time with my brush, i had to concede that my hair is coming in thin by my forehead.

it's possible that since i usually keep my hair short and i haven't gotten a haircut since a week before my car accident, my hair might just be adjusting to not being cut on a twice-a-month basis. it's also possible that i'm going bald.

now, this is a tough pill to swallow. i'm 25. five years ago, this was me. i've always had the ability to grow a lot of hair and although i had kept my hair short for professional reasons, i always figured that i'd be able to bring back the afro whenever i wanted to.

so if i am indeed losing my hair, what should i do? should i use that Just For Men stuff? should i just keep cutting my hair every two weeks? should i be like Mike and start shaving my head? should i always wear a baseball hat? a cowboy hat? a top hat?

sigh. this is the second-worst thing to happen to me over the last three weeks.

Christina Aguilera, play us out.

Chastity probably killed the Black Swan too

2011-01-12T14:30:00.008-06:00

so apparently the world is coming to an end soon because birds are falling out of the sky in Alabama, Arkansas or one of those redneck states (sorry Wallace). some people are getting straight with Jesus because they think this is a sign of the rapture while some people are getting straight with Jesus because they think that this is a sign that the government is trying out some nuclear weapons.

i think this massive bird attack is the brain child of one person: this chick.

yes folks, Chastity may be a bird murderer. why have i come to this conclusion? well, i know my baby and i know that the girl hates birds. she really hates them. birds are to Chastity what Hilary Duff is to me.

for example: even though its the closest grocery story to both of our houses, Chastity says that we aren't allowed to shop at the HEB off of William Cannon and I-35 because it's ghetto but i'm positive it's because the place plays host to about 3,000,000 birds at night.

i don't know how she did it but i'm 87% sure that she is guilty.

anywho, this random story about Chastity and birds allows me to smoothly glide into a movie review. people, it's time to talk about Black Swan.

i'm giving this movie a $6 rating on my scale but i also gave Law Abiding Citizen that same grade so you con converse among yourselves about whether or not that rating is an insult to Natalie Portman. the movie is well done but it's also weird and i just feel that this is a "cool kids" movie (like "Inception") and since i'm not smart enough to understand all the symbolism, i didn't enjoy it as much as i should have.

but i did learn four things on Saturday night:

1. Natalie Portman kinda looks like Winona Ryder.

2. Darren Aronofsky kills off the main subjects in all of his movies. it was predicable in the Wrestler and it was ridiculously predictable in Black Swan. i think that i'm going to watch the first three minutes of his next film and then walk out of the theater since i know how this thing is going to end. i may have just wasted $10 but i'm going to beat traffic.

3. Mila Kunis is knocking on the door of the Big Board of Beauties. we may have to let her in.

4. don't tell Chastity this but my little girls aren't stepping foot into a dance class. ever. the movie has convinced me that it's safer to let my kids play with fireworks than ballet slippers.

so yea, go see Black Swan. but unless you have a PhD, don't expect to enjoy it.

Peter Griffin, play us out.

journalists need to be a little more responsible

2011-01-12T08:47:00.008-06:00

so someone brought this headline on the Huffington Post's website to my attention. i figured that they were alluding to the Illinois politician but should i ask the Statesman to fund my personal security team anyways?

oh k, time to quit joking because i've got to do some real talk with my homies in the media.

guys, as you know, there are a lot of dumb people who read/watch our product. if we say jump, people will jump. if we say President Obama is a Muslim foreigner, people will demand to see his birth certificate. if we say that the actors on The Big Bang Theory are Nazi spies, someone will take them out.

i'm not complaining because this is an awesome power to have. but we need to be careful. if you haven't caught on right now, i'm alluding (i've used this word twice today) to Sarah Palin's connection to the shootings in Arizona this weekend.

well first, i need to chastise the media for making Gabrielle Giffords look like Jesus Christ. there is no way that the congresswoman died and was resurrected. so before you report that she's dead, make sure that she's dead. check your sources and if that source is a front desk receptionist at the local hospital, you may want to wait before you hit the "Tweet" button.

not long after the "Is she dead or is she alive?" controversy was solved, a new mystery was played out. what connection did the shooter(s) have with Sarah Palin. apparently, Sarah Palin had some targets listed over the names of Giffords and some other politicians in a Facebook advertisement and people in the media made the immediate connection. and, of course, the general public ran with it (honestly, i'm friends with a lot of smart people but it was almost scary to read Facebook and Twitter on Saturday).

the only problem with this connection was the shooter. and as more information leaked out, it became more obvious that the guy was less of a Palin fan and more of a nutjob. this reminded me of the 9-11 aftermath and how people were deciding whether to blame the Clinton or Bush administrations for the attack. my response: i'm going to put the blame on the crazy extremists who hate us.

i get that Sarah Palin is a controversial figure. heck, what her daughters say on Facebook and do on the dance floor have literally caused rifts in the Statesman sports department. but c'mon, let's hold off before we start connecting her with terrorism. once again, some of our readers are really stupid so let's not be just as dumb.

also, it's sad that the little girl died but i have two quips about the coverage of her death. first, quit shoving cameras in the faces of her classmates. if you want to talk to the parents of her friends and the teachers, that's fine but there is nothing relevant that you can get from a 9-year-old who is just learning about death. also, her birthday is a coincidence, not a sign so chill out.

what happened in Arizona over the weekend was truly tragic. how the media handled it was just sad.

today is a three-blog day so i'll talk to you later.

TLC, play us out.

i'll love my Ducks even more if they win

2011-01-10T09:46:00.004-06:00

the University of Montana had a less than stellar football season this year. i mean, a 7-4 record was brutal enough but when you throw in the non-playoff appearance, the MSU loss and the fact that Eastern Washington (!?!?!?!) won the national championship... well, i'm just glad that i wasn't in Missoula or else i may have hurled myself off the M.

but while the school i went to sucked this year, the school i wanted to go to has a chance to make me a happy man tonight. i think i may have to dust off my old Oregon sweatshirt for this one.

go Ducks.

Mark Morrison, play us out.

i've become a bit of a gambler

2011-01-05T09:26:00.006-06:00

UPDATE: it turns out that i actually won $2 off of my five lottery tickets so i got 40% of my investment back. looks like someone has found a solid way to make some money.

i may have a gambling problem.

let me break it down for you:

last week, i referred to my fantasy football championship as the second-best thing that's ever happened to me.
i am participating in another fantasy football draft this afternoon. this draft is for the NFL playoffs.
i received my winnings yesterday for a bet i had made last year with Le about how terrible her Chicago Cubs were going to be.
i took 1/4 of those aforementioned winnings and spent it on Mega Millions lottery tickets. i did not win.

now yesterday was only the second time in my life that i've ever bought lottery tickets. the first time was right after i turned 18. i knew that i wasn't going to win but as soon as i bought those five tickets, i realized how people can become addicted to gambling.

the cash prize for the lottery was around $224 million and i was already daydreaming about how i was going to blow the money. i was going to buy a house, get Chastity something nice, clear out my family's debts and buy myself a minor league baseball team. it. was. so. much. fun. and if daydreaming is so awesome, then i can't imagine the euphoric feeling that winning brings.

do you know what is fun? fantasy football. and fantasy baseball. and gambling. and blackjack. and Vegas... yea, Chastity better keep our kids' college savings in a private account because if i have access to that, those kids are going to be S.O.L.

Kenny Rogers, play us out.

i am retiring my dress shoes for a few days

2011-01-03T11:06:00.005-06:00

JSQOTW (from the Oct. 21, 2010 episode... i'm a little behind on my DVR viewing and the new season starts on Thursday so i kinda needed to watch the Season 2 finale): "i am not f***ing any of my roomamtes, therefore i should not be cleaning up after their s**t." - J-Woww

due to my recent adventure on 15th street, i'm car-less until whenever my vehicle gets fixed up. so i'm just chilling at the house today. my attire for the day consists of my ol' Montana gym shorts and an oversized t-shirt.

i bring up my attire because i've been dressing up a lot lately. like i've worn khakis, a dress shirt and a nice pair of shoes for five straight days. i covered the Alamo Bowl on Wednesday, went to a wedding reception on Thursday, went out to dinner on New Years Eve, went to a dinner party on New Years and then had church on Sunday.

now, i know what you're thinking. "Danny, you're the same guy that looked ridiculously awesome in high school in a cummerbund and bow tie, how can you complain about dressing up?" i dunno, i just feel more comfortable in a pair of shorts and a polo. maybe it's because i feel more free in shorts or maybe it's because the act of tucking in my shirt highlights my fatness but yea, i prefer the outfit that i have on now to the one i was wearing 24 hours ago.

so that's that. i'm wearing shorts today, i will be wearing shorts again tomorrow and i won't be wearing khakis again until Sunday.

Wiz Khalifa, play us out.

Katz Never Kloses... except on Jan. 2, 2011

2011-01-02T15:32:00.008-06:00

i come from a place where, well, fine dining doesn't exist.

in Billings, we are all about the chain restaurants and the idea of a "family-owned" business means that your parents own a stake in the local Burger King franchise. there are a couple of nice places that will host you and your date but if you want to really impress your girl, you'll put on your best duds and head down to the Olive Garden on King Avenue.

i mean, that's what i grew up on. you got your seafood at the Red Lobster, a wholesome family meal at the Applebee's, a good steak at the Outback Steakhouse and my home state did Mexican food up right at any one of the four Taco Bells.

so you can imagine my surprise when i made it down to Austin. not only are there a lot of locally owned diners but Austinites (Chastity) are kind of snobby when it comes to food and these people hate the idea of eating at a chain restaurant.

i've been here for nearly four years and i probably haven't eaten at 1/4 of the local restaurants/trailer eateries. but i've eaten a lot and my waistline, doctor and cholesterol level will attest to that. so yea, there are a lot of places to eat in Austin.

one of those places was Katz, which closed for good today.

now, i'll be upfront and tell you that Katz did not have the best food in the world. they were well-known for their cheesecake but honestly, how hard is it to mess up a cheesecake (i had some homemade cheesecake last night and it was delicious). honestly, i was more thankful for the headlines that Katz provided over the past few years (did he really run for lieutenant governor?) than i was for anything that was on the menu.

but i do have some memories of the place, most of which happened late at night since the restaurant never closed and was located in the heart of West 6th.

i remember waiting in line at 2 a.m. and meeting another Montana native who was in town for a wedding. i remember an afternoon cheesecake run where i witnessed Mr. Katz yelling at one of my co-workers. i remember taking care of a puking Ami outside of Katz while one of her best friend ditched us in an attempt to go hit on some guy who was hanging out inside of the restaurant. and i remember the cheesecake.

so yea, Katz has closed and it's only a matter of time before the space is converted into a bar that has a dress code and a Ke$ha CD on repeat. but Katz had a good run while it lasted and that's one less local restaurant that Chastity can use as a counter when i want to go get dinner at a Chili's.

Semisonic, play us out.

i'm going to try to not die in 2011

2011-01-01T17:43:00.009-06:00

it's January 1 so it's time to throw some resolutions up against the wall.

normally i'd say something like "i need to lose some weight and eat healthy" or "i need to save more money" but those are things that i should be doing anyways and i shouldn't be inspired to take care of myself by a date on the calendar.

so yea, i'm obviously going to do those things because i don't want to die when i'm 34. i'm also going to have fun this year and these resolutions will help me get there.

i'm going to dance more this year and i'm bringing the Macarena back. i'll be attending about 72 weddings over the next 12 months so i'm going to have a lot of opportunities.
i'm going to treat this somewhat-neglected blog better.
i'm going to take more chances with my writing.
i'm going to buy a dresser that isn't from the $20 collection at Wal-Mart.
Chastity bought me a new camera for Christmas so i'm going to take more photos and come up with more hip album names on the Facebook.
i'm going to play as much softball as i can. go Ball Bustas.

that is my plan for 2011. but before i leave, let me tell you about how i closed out 2010.

Chastity and i attended a wedding reception on Thursday night and we were hit by a drunk driver on the way home. we were driving home and some chick (who got her ride home in the back of a cop car) ran a red light and took out us and another car. we were just passing through an interception and BAM, something suddenly collided into us and we were spinning. and as we were spinning, i saw another car flipping across the median.

i was holding a vase at the time of the accident (ironically i was in the passenger seat because i had been drinking that night) and the water spilled all over my pants so it looked like i had pissed myself. who knows? i may have wet myself, that was scary.

my car was pretty damaged (as you can see by the above photo) and i spent a lot of quality time on NYE with my homies at State Farm. it looks like my car was clipped in the rear, the back window was knocked out, one of the wheels was jacked up and neither my trunk or either of the passenger doors could be opened. not sure if my car is savable (i'll know more on Monday) but i will probably be car-less for at least a week.

luckily, nobody was injured on Thursday night. all three cars were taken away on tow trucks but everyone declined medical assistance and while we were both a little sore the next day, Chastity and i are fine. we also lucked out and all three drivers had the proper insurance.

i've been thinking a lot since the accident. what had happened if we had hit that intersection a second later? what had happened if it was our car that had been flipped instead of the mini-SUV that was sent tumbling? what had happened if we had been in a different lane?

i nearly died on Thursday. i nearly became a front page story's subject instead of author. i almost became a PSA message or a random cross on the side of the road. life is a game of inches and although my car took a hit, we lucked out because it could have been much worse. and i'll dance to that.

don't drink and drive kids.

Tracy Byrd, play us out.

winning big with the Ball Bustas and Mike Vick

2010-12-30T10:02:00.010-06:00

there are a few moments that are supposed to be "the biggest moments of your lives". i'm sure that my married friends would say that their biggest moment was when they said "i do" and i know that my friends with kids would say that their most memorable moment was when their child entered the world (side note: if you're married with kids, is the wedding or birth of your child more important?).

well, i'm not married and i'm not a father so the highlight film of my life doesn't include any umbilical cords or wedding cake.

the second-biggest moment of my life actually happened on Tuesday night. yes folks, The Nicki Minaj Appreciation Society won the Statesman's fantasy football league.

i've won a fantasy football league before but this was the ultimate win because it was in the Statesman league (i had finished as high as second in my three previous seasons) and a hefty $610 payout was on the line. i went into the 4th quarter of Philly's game against Minnesota on Tuesday night with a 17-point deficit but the trio of Michael Vick, LeSean McCoy and Adrian Peterson rallied and lifted me to a 11-point win. cha. ching.

yes, i have dog-killing Mike Vick on my fantasy team and, you know what, i'm alright with it. because while he murdered dogs, he also murdered my fantasy opponents this season. he paid his debt to society so i'm willing to hold off on the execution talk and besides, everyone knows that i'm more of a cat person anyways...

so i won $610 for the championship game conquest and i collected $760 in total winnings this fall. i spent $145 on my fantasy team. i'm no mathematician so Chastity or MK might have to help me out on this one but i think that i came out on top. Best Buy, here i come.

i have bragging rights in the newsroom for a year. i plan on abusing those rights.

i mentioned earlier that this was the second-biggest moment of my life. the biggest? Free North's victory over a team full of my residents in the University of Montana's 2006 intramural softball championship. that team was the greatest team to ever play intramural softball at the University of Montana. yea, i said it.

speaking of winning and intramural softball, the Ball Bustas also won something recently:

we went 5-1 during our fall season and were awarded this trophy for our efforts. not exactly sure what this bling is for (we finished in a tie atop our standings) but i'm just going to assume that we were awarded bonus points for our awesome jerseys.

the Ball Bustas probably won't play again until April but when we do, we'll be aiming for a city title. and if we win that, that will become the greatest moment of my life.

Queen, play us out.

my guess is that hell is like the Denver airport

2010-12-21T21:41:00.008-06:00

i went on a mini-trip to New Mexico over the past few days as Chastity's best friend was getting hitched in Sante Fe to her longtime boyfriend.

now obviously, i wasn't going to drive to Sante Fe so that meant that i had to fly. and since i was flying, that meant that i had to fly through Denver. and since i had to fly through Denver in December, that meant that there were going to be issues.

i've whined before about my issues in Denver (my Christmas 2007 experience still gives me nightmares) so i shouldn't have been too shocked about what happened on Sunday. i got off my flight from Austin with a 90-minute layover awaiting me but i was greeted with news that my flight had been delayed for 60 minutes and, of course, that delay soon became a 90-minute delay.

so yea, i got to spend three hours in Denver. unfortunately this all happened at night so the restaurants were closing and i had no easy access to forks. so i nothing to gauge my eyes out with.

aside from the fork problem, having delays at night posed another interesting problem. we were staying in Albuquerque and driving to Sante Fe for the wedding and the place we were renting our car from closed at 1 a.m., which was an issue since we weren't leaving Denver until midnight. luckily, i was able to beg enough and the Alamo guy agreed not to close up shop until 1:30 and we barely made it.

so let's recap some memorable experiences at the Denver airport.

memory #1: my trip from Missoula to San Diego in the summer of 2005 was delayed a day because my connecting flight was delayed long enough that my hostel wouldn't have been able to check me in. luckily, the nice airport people gave me food coupons and a hotel room.
memory #2: Christmas 2007, Part I. i was stuck in Denver for something like seven or eight hours. for some reason Le still picked me up (she's a good friend) but i still didn't get inside the big blue house until after 4 a.m. oh yea, i tried to kill some of the delay at a bar in the airport and i forgot my wallet so i was wallet-less for the Christmas vacation.
memory #3: Christmas 2007, part II. on my way back to Austin, my fright from Billings to Denver was delayed because of the weather in Denver. i missed my connecting flight to Austin. the fine folks at the airport did not give me food coupons or a hotel room.
memory #4: the aforementioned trip to New Mexico.

honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that the Rockies play in Denver, i'd burn that city to the ground myself.

i have a few more observations about this week's trip:

New Mexico has officially replaced Montana as the least black place in the world.
the next time that Albuquerque builds an airport, they should put the rental car lot on campus. waiting for a shuttle at 1:15 a.m. is about as fun as chilling in the Denver airport.
Chastity is in love with Sante Fe. scenery-wise, it reminded me of a poor man's Missoula. Albuquerque, while fun to spell, is a homeless man's Billings. these are not compliments.
the church that Skylar and Sarah got married in was really cool.
apparently, in New Mexico, "chili" means "sauce", not "that yummy goodness that you use to make hot dogs even more unhealthy." this guy was pretty surprised when he got his "chili"-covered eggs on Tuesday morning.
i caught a cold over the weekend so while Chastity explored the city on Monday, i was stuck in bed. i will say this: The Old Adventures of New Christine is a somewhat funny show.
cool things about New Mexico: snow, the sunrise and 75 mph speed limits on the highway.

that's all i've got. don't hate me Blair, you know that you miss Austin.

Lloyd, play us out.

i'm unhappy that i have one less Facebook friend

2010-12-13T20:48:00.006-06:00

about a year or so ago, i had a Facebook cleansing.

i looked at my profile and realized that i had become "That Guy." i was the guy who had a ridiculous amount of friends but could not remember who half of those people were. so i made some cuts and i went from 1,000-some friends down to 600.

as of today, i have 768 Facebook friends (including some people who were previously erased) so i guess i'm going backwards.

but i'm not here to brag about my online popularity. i'm here to complain about how i don't have 769 friends.

yes folks, i've the Defriender has been defriended. i don't know when it happened but it happened and i'm moderately rattled.

this story actually has a sad beginning. a kid that i went to church with back in Billings was killed last weekend in a car accident. he was about five years older than me so i wasn't saddened or anything but his mom has always been nice to my family (she was my dad's landlord for nearly two years) so i felt terrible for her.

the death got me thinking about RMCC, a church that i had attended since i was about 6. i decided to catch up (Facebook stalk) some of the people i grew up with.

i found out the Ben Holden is still playing some tennis. Marcus TenHarmsel seems to be traveling the world and he's got himself a cute girlfriend. and it appears that about 12 other people at my church are now married and pregnant.

oh and Anya Poirier? well, i wasn't able to catch up with Anya because we're no longer Facebook friends.

yes, i was defriended by someone from my church. i was defriended by someone who i've known since grade school. i was defriended by someone who i attended youth group with and someone who i just congratulated on her engagement about a month or so ago.

i don't know why i was erased but i'm annoyed. i don't even know why i'm annoyed but i am. i did some investigative reporting and i discovered that my sister isn't Facebook friends with her either so i will just let you fill in the blanks there (alright so she may not be racist but i'm still annoyed).

i guess my clever status updates about Ball Bustas softball and having respect for Justin Bieber aren't for everybody.

Bieber, play us out.

i'm Gleeful for the newest BBoB inductee

2010-11-30T10:58:00.005-06:00

earlier this fall, i said that i had officially become a Gleek. two months later, i'm still on the bandwagon. i'm also still pissed that Senior High didn't have a glee club and i'm moderately upset that God didn't make life more like a musical.

there have been some ups and downs this season.

the ups? Jane Lynch, "Now give me chocolate or I will cut you.", the guy from "Yes, Dear", Mercedes, Kurt's storyline and this past week's episode.

the downs? most of the Britney Spears episode, inconsistent writing, Kurt's storyline, the creepy Glee Club adviser, Gwyneth Paltrow and the fact that the show really struggles when it doesn't go through Lea Michele (which, ironically, sucks because she's both incredibly talented and annoying).

My favorite songs through the first three episodes of the season?

1. The Only Exception
2. Teenage Dream
3. Listen

i'm not sure if it's a good thing that two of those three songs were sung by people who aren't in the Glee Club. sectionals might be a tall talk for our friends at McKinley High.

oh yea, let's talk about the biggest reason why i've loved Glee this fall: Santana. yum.

in fact, we're inducting her into the Big Board of Beauties right now. i'm not sure if this is creepy since i'm essentially inducting a high school girl into this club of hotness but whatever, the 23-year-old Naya Rivera has got it going on.

so Naya joins Snooki, Taraji P., Shakira, Christine Lakin, Michelle Williams, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Clinton, Jarah Mariano, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, Thandie Newton and Marion Cotillard in the exclusive Hall of Fame. i think i need to arrange a members only pillow fight for this club...

Shakira, play us out.

pat me down and get me on my flight

2010-11-30T10:23:00.006-06:00

so did everyone have a good Thanksgiving weekend?

i spent most of the holidays in Corsicana with Chastity and her family. i also traveled to Cowboys Stadium on Friday night for work and i spent all of Saturday in the lovely city of Waco.

so i put a lot of mileage on my car this weekend. the key word there is "car." luckily, i didn't have to fly this weekend because as i found out during my miserable voyage home for Christmas 2007, holiday travel sucks.

but some people did have to fly and for some reason, airplane security has been in the news over the past few weeks.

i'll be honest, i don't care about this stuff. i don't care if someone has to grope me as i walk through the security line. i don't care if someone is getting turned on by a scan of my hot body. i wouldn't care if they made me strip down to my boxers, hop on one leg through the metal detector and re-enact the last 10 minutes from Christina Aguilera's new movie.

see, i care about getting to my final destination in one piece. i care about getting somewhere on time and not having to divert the plane because some wacko is acting up on the plane. i care about not having to make a final phone call to loved ones who will eventually cash in on my tragic death with some crappy movie.

but some people like to complain about everything. honestly, if the TSA's security measures were giving everyone a high-five as they walked through, someone would whine about that. so what if someone touches you in a bad place? normally you'd have to pay to get that treatment from a complete stranger but you get it for free at the airport!

if people don't like the way that the TSA handles its security, don't fly. in fact, as Chely Wright and Rihanna both once said, shut up and drive.

my next airport experience will be in mid-December when Chastity and i go to a wedding in Sante Fe. i'm sure that i'll be violated and i'm sure that someone will be taking home a printed off copy of my body scan. but i also know that my plane isn't getting hijacked en route to New Mexico and that makes it worth it to me.

Christina Aguilera, play us out.

it's not weird anymore to think that Miley is cute

2010-11-23T15:40:00.005-06:00

today is a big day.

Miley Cyrus is officially 18. now whenever i see a headline like "Miley Cyrus acts out" i can click on the link without wondering if the feds are 10 seconds away from taking away my computer. i can also watch her music videos without feeling like a creep (i still haven't watched more than 10 seconds of the Party In The U.S.A. video).

happy birthday.

Miley Cyrus, play us out.

Denzel Theater presents: Unstoppable

2010-11-22T17:10:00.008-06:00

last week was my two-year anniversary with Chastity and i spent part of my day at the movie theater with the man i love. oh, and the girlfriend was there too.

yes folks, it's time for another installment of Denzel Theater.

Name: Unstoppable
Year: 2010
Three-Sentence Synopsis (w/ spoiler!): since we last saw our hero in a train-related movie, Denzel has apparently started working on a train, his wife is dead, he's been given his 90-day notice and his hot daughters work at Hooters. Denzel's train is now on a crash-course with a train that is, well, unstoppable because Denzel's former offensive lineman at T.C. Williams High probably took too many hits to the head during his high school glory days. but Chris Pine and Denzel use their train to chase down the bad train and Denzel's hot daughters take time off from their shift at Hooters to attend his celebratory press conference.
Clutch Quote: "This ain't training. In training they just give you a "F", out here you get killed." - Frank
Rating: 4 out of 5 (Denzels, not stars)

Next on Denzel Theater: The Great Debaters

i looked really, really good in a cummerbund

2010-11-22T11:50:00.015-06:00

the beautiful girl pictured above is my baby sister. yes folks, it was Winter Formal time in the Magic City over the weekend so i can only assume that this picture was taken minutes before a bunch of teenagers were spotted tearing up the dance floor to a Justin Bieber song.

on one hand, this picture makes me feel old. Noelle is 17 now. when did that happened?

on the other hand, this picture has revived my youth because i can still remember my high school dances. each year, Senior High would host four dances with the final dance (Prom) being available to only juniors, seniors and their guests.

i went to 11 of those dances in high school (yea, i was cool enough to go to Prom as a sophomore) and i'd like to think that girls kept going with me because i knew how to rap Will Smith songs on the dance floor. however, i've come to realize that the only reason that someone would ask me/accept my invitation was because... i take good pictures.

the best part about high school dances were the awkward photos. you'd pay $20 to a photographer to take a picture of you and your honey and three weeks later (if you were still taking to your aforementioned date), you could see how cool you looked. five years later (if you were still talking to your aforementioned date), you could then see how painfully terrible those photos looked.

but not this guy. i don't mean to toot my high school horn but i looked ridiculously good in a tux. there were plenty of things that i didn't do well in high school (football, basketball, baseball, golf, dating, getting invited to parties) but there was a reason that i... er, they called me Senior High's Denzel Washington.

white or black fabric, it didn't matter because Danny Davis came to play. and of course i am going to prove my point with a photo montage.

WINTER FORMAL 2000: my first time in a tuxedo was a smooth transition.

TWIRP 2001: someone looks pretty suave in that chair.

WINTER FORMAL 2001: cooler than the snowmen.

PROM 2002: this is how you wear a white tux.

HOMECOMING 2002: i didn't even attend this school but i was still the best-dressed brotha in the house.

WINTER FORMAL 2002: look at that guy.

PROM 2003: getting it done even when i'm too lazy to put in my contacts (btw, that's not my date).

there are some more photos floating around out there but all those photos from my freshman and sophomore year will prove is that i looked good in a tuxedo even when my face was so pimpled out that it resembled a pepperoni pizza.

the moral of this story? don't ask me to be a groomsman at your wedding because nobody will be looking at you in the photos...

OK, i'm going to go deflate my ego a little bit by reading stories about how Montana lost to Montana State. sigh.

Chalie Boy, play us out.

unlike the Jeffersons, i don't want to move up

2010-11-11T10:52:00.007-06:00

dear Montana,

for. the. love. of. God. do. not. go. to. the. WAC.

rumors have been flying over the past few months about Montana's possible rise to the NCAA's top level in football. the news got even hotter this week with this fun article from the Missoulian, which sadly had to send a news reporter to do a job that its terrible sports department couldn't handle (good to know that some things haven't changed since i left).

the writing appears to be on the wall. why would UM be waiting a few weeks to announce something if it wasn't announcing a move? if the answer was "no", why wouldn't the university just say it?

i get why people want to make this move. we compete on the top level in the rest of our sports, so why not play with the big boys in football? there isn't that much left for us to accomplish in the FBS, so why not aim for a bigger prize? blah blah blah.

i, however, think this is a terrible idea. why? let me lay this argument out, bullet-style.

i like being the big fish in a small pond. i like getting to play every week in December. i like getting to see my team choke in the nationally-televised championship game every year.
i'd rather compete for a spot in the FBS national championship game than a spot in the Applebees Two-Can-Eat-For-$20 Bowl.
we suck this year. we lost to Eastern Washington and Weber State and we nearly lost to a Portland State team that couldn't hang with half of the high school teams in Texas (sorry Anthony). right now, Weber State is an equal. if we move up, Weber State becomes one of those bodybag games that we should win by 60... so yea, i don't have a lot of confidence right now.
who exactly are we going to recruit? if we move up, we can't get any of those delinquent dropdown transfers because people aren't going to transfer to Montana if they have to sit out a year. also, we aren't going to be able to recruit in California and the other West Coast states. those kids are only coming to Montana because we win and they can get a little exposure. if we become another middle-of-the-road BCS team, why would they come to chilly Montana when they can lose the same amount of games at a school like San Jose State or San Diego State?
everyone wants to be the next Boise State. my fear is that we'll become the next Idaho.
do we even have the money to move up? is Jim O'Day about to become the next Wayne Hogan?
my family owns the Big Sky Conference. the parents went to Northern Arizona, the brother goes to Portland State, i went to Montana and hopefully Little Girl goes to Montana State. if Montana leaves, who am i going to talk smack to? i'm not related to any University of Denver alums (i actually just found out that was a real school).
then there is the whole Cat/Griz game. that game means so much to the state and if Montana leaves, it suddenly becomes a non-conference game in September that hold no significance to Griz fans. think losing to Montana State now is embarrassing? try losing to them when they're a level below you.

so yea, i don't like the idea. the only cool thing is that if Montana moved to the WAC, i'd get to see them play whenever they traveled to UTSA or Texas State... but yea, i still rather see them in the national championship game on ESPN2.

KWS, play us out.

reviewing movies and celebrating my voice

2010-11-07T13:55:00.011-06:00

last night was Date Night so Chastity and i headed on down to a nearby movie theater to see Due Date, which, as i mentioned last week, was a movie that i wanted to see.

my rating for the movie: $5. there were some funny moments and i really enjoyed the final minute of the movie (hint: it's a believable Two And A Half Men plot). but some parts of the movie were too unbelievable to be funny and a lot of the funny parts were things that i had seen on the previews.

so yea, i was moderately entertained for 90 minutes but i'm sure that i'll have a better time next weekend.

and speaking of entertainment, i've been seeing a lot of American Idol commercials lately. so i'll leave you with a few pictures of me at the microphone.

singing "Sexual Healing" with Ms. Lauren Cloyd.

singing "Sweet Caroline" with the boys.

singing "Piano Man" with Mr. Tanner Oertli.

singing "Afternoon Delight" with Mr. Tanner Oertli and the A.J. Miller.

singing a Kaiminized rendition of "I Will Survive."

singing "Poker Face" with Ms. Leila Rahimi and Ms. Julianna Potter.

Syesha Mercado, play us out.

if i don't vote, can i still get a sticker?

2010-11-02T09:57:00.007-05:00

i am not going to vote today.

yes, you read that correctly. go ahead and slam me for being unpatriotic and a detriment to society. blah blah blah. but if you really want to blame somebody, blame this guy.

i was planning on voting this morning and it really wouldn't have been any trouble since the polling station is about six feet from my front door. but i got on Facebook this morning and this is the status i saw:

"Not voting today. This country doesn't need one more uninformed person going to the polls. There will be plenty of that."

i was set to slam Sean for his status update with some "if you don't vote, then you can't complain" comment but i thought about his words for a few minutes. he was right.

what exactly am i voting for today?

if i went to the polls today, i'd vote for Rick Perry. why? because i like stability and i think that incumbency is useful in politics (yes, i voted for Conrad Burns). i also would vote for Rick Perry just because i want to spite one of my friends who has been pasting the phrase "Also, Rick Perry is the worst governor in Texas history" at the end of every Facebook status update for the past month.

if i went to the polls today, i'd vote for Lloyd Doggett. why? because the guy shook my hand once and it bothers me that his opponents insists on being referred to as Dr. Donna Campbell in all of her ads.

if i went to the polls today, i'd probably vote for whoever i've heard the most positive things about. i'd vote for the guy who looked the least sinister in the ads that have been all over the television airwaves for the past month. i'd vote stupidly.

see, when it comes down to it, i don't really know what Rick Perry stands for. i don't know what Bill White stands for. i don't know what Lloyd Doggett really stands for and i don't even know who the hell Donna Campbell is.

my political ignorance can only be blamed on me. i'm 25, i should be able to research this stuff more thoroughly.

but i'm not alone. my favorite thing to ask people when they start slamming a political figure is to list three legitimate complaints about the thing that they hate. most people can't get past one.

we are a country that is fueled by laziness and we let people tell us what to think. that's why political ads are so effective. i am pretty convinced now that Rick Perry's camp could convince Texans that Jesus is the anti-Christ.

these days, successful politicians just need to hire a person who didn't fall asleep in film editing class. that person will then put together a 30 second ad that features dramatic music, an out-of-context quote that is typed out in red letters and an unflattering picture of the opponent. then that film editor will put together an ad with cheerful music, blue letters, video of the politician and his family, video of the politician talking to some random farmer and video of the politician saying "I'm going to work hard to make Texas a better place."

those are the ads that win elections and those are also the ads that say noooooothing about what the politicians stand for. but they work.

so i'm not voting today. but i'm no worse than the person who votes for people only because they're a Democrat or a Republican. and i'm not any worse that the person who goes to the polls with no idea of what he's voting for.

i'm sure this is exactly what George and the founding fathers had in mind. go democracy.

Lee Greenwood, play us out.

i occasionally wear my sunglasses at night

2010-11-01T16:01:00.013-05:00

i was just looking over my last post and i like the idea of a blog entry filled with pictures. it's like a coloring book, it's lazy but it still counts as a book.

this afternoon's subject: i don't wear sunglasses often (i hate contacts) but when i do, i look cool enough to star in an episode of CSI: Miami.

sunglasses make sitting on the floor look hip.

sunglasses make alcohol look hip.

sunglasses make staged domestic violence look hip.

sunglasses make drunkenness look hip.

sunglasses make haircuts look hip.

sunglasses make cheering for a mediocre basketball team look hip.

sunglasses (3-D style) make going to the museum look hip.

sunglasses make wearing pink and playing softball look hip.

sunglasses make eating cupcakes look hip.

any questions?

Corey Hart, play us out.

a Halloween-themed trip down memory lane

2010-11-01T11:17:00.012-05:00

first off, a Nicki Minaj update: i like her song with Will.I.Am but i hate the video. i also really like her new song, which is soooo much better than her first big hit. my love for Nicki Minaj carries on.

secondly, let's talk about Halloween.

growing up, my parents let me trick-or-treat. i'm don't remember what i dressed up as a child but i'm sure that i was a firefighter, a ghost or a race car driver.

but when i approached my pre-teenage years, my parents got a little religious and Halloween was seen as an evil holiday. instead of trick-or-treating, i spent my Halloweens at church reformation parties with costumes that celebrated famous people in black history (i was Jesse Owens one year. i never won the costume contest). eventually, i stopped dressing up and began to work at the reformation parties.

every once and a while, i'd steal Noelle and take her trick-or-treating around the block but Halloween became an irrelevant holiday for me. my options consisted of working at church or staying home and eating the candy that the neighborhood kids didn't collect. thrilling.

i never went to parties in high school but i had to dress up for school because i was a member of the student council. as a junior, i went as a Dominos delivery driver (which some people said was cheating since i worked at the aforementioned pizza company).

as a senior, i borrowed the uniform of one of our cheerleaders. somewhere out there, there is a very embarrassing photo of me that i haven't been able to destroy but whatever, i looked good (considering how the uniform i borrowed belonged to one of the smallest cheerleaders, that showed how skinny i was back in the days).

for the most part, i've dressed up since i graduated from high school. in college there were parties to attend and there are parties to attend in the real world. Halloween is fun and, although my parents may disagree, i don't think that i'm going to hell for participating in this pagan holiday.

so what have i dressed up as over the years? picture time!

Halloween 2003: the poor college kid who can only afford a headband.

Halloween 2005: a football-playing cowboy.

Halloween 2006: fat Urkel.

Halloween 2007: Rick The Mechanic.

Halloween 2008: an orange iguana.

Halloween 2009: King Tut, ruler of the Dirty 6th.

so what did i dress up as this year. drumroll please...

Halloween 2010: Fred Flintstone (and yes, that is a box of cereal).

so that is my recollection of the Halloween holiday. i can't seem to find a picture of what happened during Halloween 2004 so unless someone knows what i did, i'm just going to assume that October 31, 2004 never happened.

any suggestions about what i should be next year? i think i am going to pester Chastity with power ranger suggestions until she caves into my demands.

Young Money, play us out.

i still enjoy listening to those Confessions

2010-10-29T12:41:00.006-05:00

JSQOTW (from the 10/14/10 episode): he's like my big brother, i love him... but usually you don't have sex with your big brother." - Snooki

there are three November movies that i'm looking forward to. of course i'm looking forward to this movie because, well, it's Denzel. i'm looking forward to this movie because it looks funny. and i kinda want to see this movie because a few of TBA's queens are starring in it.

i am about to become the creepy guy who is taking in a lot of Tuesday afternoon matinees.

turning to music, i was at a football game last week and i wanted to drown out the press box with some smooth sounds. so i turned to Usher.

it's been over six years and i still think that Confessions is a great album. in fact, i think it may be one of the greatest albums of my lifetime.

let me explain. musicians don't really put out good albums these days because people don't buy albums. people buy singles. i honestly think that the last CD i bought was Elephunk (it is amazing that the NOW company still is in business). all an artist needs to do now is release a few good songs and they've got a few million dollas deposited into their bank account.

so usually an album has two or three great songs, two decent songs and a bunch of songs that could be bested by any high school choir in the country.

that's why, in my opinion, the concept of the album died about five years ago. luckily, Confessions was produced before that death.

why is this album so great?

take a listen to the hits: Yeah, Confessions Part II, Burn, Caught Up

now take a listen to the songs that never made it: Confessions, Superstar, Truth Hurts, That's What It's Made For, Can U Handle It, Do It To Me, Simple Things

now listen to the three songs that aren't great: Bad Girl, Take Your Hand, Follow Me

and then there was this remake.

you can't tell me that isn't a great album. my favorite songs? the title track and its follow-up, Simple Things and Yeah (it was the official theme song of the Aber 205).

they (Usher included) don't make them like they used too. sigh.

Usher, play us out.

board games will eventually ruin my relationship

2010-10-25T12:30:00.005-05:00

JSQOTW (Oct. 7): i'm not sure what lobsters eat but i think they eat, like, insects or something. so i'm going to feed them, like, worms. - Snooki

i'm a fairly competitive person.

i demand perfection from myself at work and when i do work out, i have to go to a gym so i can measure myself against the other sweaty people of Austin. i boast about video game accomplishments, MK and Emily can attest to how angry i get over an intramural softball loss and the tone of my weekend is honestly dictated by whether i win my fantasy football match-up.

just because i'm not an all-world athlete doesn't mean that i'm not in it to win it.

but my competitiveness isn't news, i've talked about it plenty and it's not a dirty, little secret. so why am i telling you this? two words: game night.

i've decided that you should never participate in a game night with people that you like.

let me explain. on Saturday evening, i attended an engagement party for a couple of my friends who are getting married in May. a few drinks were had, a few conversations were exchanged and it was a very lovely evening.

at some point of the night, we began to play some wedding-themed games. after two of those games, our group of 10 decided to play Catch Phrase and the teams were Girls (+ Brandon) v. Boys. the winners got bragging rights, the losers got shots of alcohol.

you'd think that this would be a cordial game between some lovers and friends. ha. you think that sibling rivalries are intense? try playing a game against someone that you love.

i was berated by my girlfriend for intentionally slowing down our offensive attack, the groom-to-be accused the bride-to-be of cheating and the host got in trouble with the hostess for using some derogatory language. things got even more testy when Brandon threw the game and the boys collected the victory.

this isn't the first example of an ugly exchange between a couple on Game Night. Chastity once slapped me for badly misspelling a word during a game of Cranium. we also aren't allowed to play Super Mario Bros. together anymore. we take our gaming seriously in the Davis/Colbert Household.

the moral of this story? don't play games against me. i seriously won't be happy until you're crying because i took away all of your money on Park Place.

Backstreet Boys, play us out.

i no longer have a brother, i have an enemy

2010-10-15T12:10:00.010-05:00

UPDATE: Montana won but Anthony's kickoff return unit scored a touchdown. So we had a win/win situation on our hands on Saturday.

JSQOTW (from the Sept. 30th episode): "i'm still here! hey, i'm still pretty, i'm still pretty b*tch!" - Snooki

once a year, when i was in college, i got to root for the Griz in their annual rivalry game against Northern Arizona. why did i care about the Lumberjacks? because NAU is the college that my parents attended. in fact, my parents would often say that the only football game that their team won while they were on campus was a slaughtering of Montana on some homecoming that i'm going to assume was in 1904.

so every year, i would call up my father to talk some smack. honestly, i don't think he cared. i would talk about how the Griz rocked and he would utter a few "mmm hmmm"s. no rebuttals and no references to the Blowout of 1834.

this weekend, however, the family member that i bombard with insults will care. because this guy plays for the team that Montana is going to mutilate.

i'm not sure what i should do this weekend. i mean, there is no doubt that i should root for Montana over Portland State, right? sure i've shared a room before with Anthony but i paid (am still paying) a lot of money to that university so i kind of feel like i own the Montana football team. plus Montana gave me a degree, what has Anthony's best Christmas present been?

but how much should i root for Montana? i know that i shouldn't be hoping for a broken leg but should i root for a close game? should i root for a blowout? should i root for a blowout with a few shining moments for my brother?

and when Montana does win, how should i handle it? should i be a gracious loser? should i call him immediately to offer my condolences? should i abuse his Facebook wall? should i listen to Allison's advice and speak volumes by saying nothing at all?

i think that i'll root for a blowout and opt for the Facebook harassment. it's nice to be an alumni of the one Big Sky Conference school that's actually good at football.

go Griz.

Nelly, play us out.

i hope Noelle knows that puppets love her hair

2010-10-15T10:50:00.004-05:00

is Sesame Street awesome again?

the show kicked off the season with the Katy Perry controversy and then this Old Spice parody started making the rounds on my friends' Facebook walls. seriously, Sesame Street turned 41 this year and Cookie Monster and his crew are either on steroids or Viagra because they are performing alarmingly well this fall.

but i'm not here to talk about Grover or Katy Perry's boobs. i'm typing out this blog because of this clip that i saw this morning.

i can't tell you how awesome this is. if you didn't know, hair is kind of a big deal for Team Black America and it's something that you don't take lightly. Chris Rock hasn't made a good movie in... wait, has he ever made a good movie? sorry, i got off track but i was trying to say that while Chris Rock is a shoddy actor, his documentary on hair is something that you should watch if you want to know more about black women and their hair.

Little Girl came to us with a poof of hair that rivaled my luscious locks and while it was cute at the time, that afro eventually became a curse. boys made fun of her on the playground and the hair was often hard to style and, to be honest, having a white mother probably didn't help matters. the girl has had her hair straightened and braided and has tried out numerous wigs but the hair has always seemed to be an issue. in fact, when i went home last year, an essay she had written about her contempt for her hair was hanging of the fridge.

one day, i hope to have a princess of my own and this is a problem that i expect to face. it will be easy for her father to tell her that she is beautiful (that's my job) but i can only hope that there are some muppets around that can reassure her that her hair is hip.

so i've got to applaud Sesame Street for being great... except for Guy Smiley, that puppet can go play in traffic.

Notorious B.I.G., play us out.

every NFL player should channel his inner-Carlton

2010-10-11T11:29:00.005-05:00

i'll be honest, i don't follow the Detroit Lions that closely. i mean, why should i? i already root for one terrible football team so why should i keep up with another team that sucks?

that being said, Alphonso Smith is now my favorite player in the NFL.

why? because of this.

now this may be the greatest touchdown dance of all-frickin-time. but Alphonso, we can do better. the next time you score, here are the dances that you should do:

the Macerena.
a remake of the Smooth Criminal video. all 9:47 of it.
not the first or second mambo but Mambo No. 5.
the hokey pokey.
anything by Usher. the dude can dance (examples 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5).

memo to Chad Ochocinco, that's how you celebrate a touchdown.

Carlton Banks, play us out.

reflecting on my journey with the Facebook

2010-10-08T13:50:00.007-05:00

last week, i went to the movie theater (by myself) and took in the Facebook movie.

it was a pretty solid movie and i'll give it a $8.50 rating. i would have given it a $9.50 rating but Justin Timberlake didn't break out into song during the movie and if he's not going to sing, i don't see why he should be cast in any film.

i feel like i learned a lot about the history of Facebook last week... and that got me thinking about my history with Facebook.

in December of 2004, i was AIMing with my friend Maura and she asked me if i had heard about some website called "thefacebook.com." i told her that i hadn't and she said that it was some underground website that may be interested in. i later asked my friend Ian if he had heard about it and he said that he was signed up for it.

so i signed up for thefacebook.com.

over the past six years, i've seen "thefacebook.com" because simple "facebook.com". i've been able to clear Lindsay's wall and i've also been able to bombard her wall with Return of the Mack videos. i've been on the website when it was exclusive and i've also been befriended by my mother and baby sister. i've been engaged twice on Facebook and i've been also been able to announce my real relationship to the World Wide Web.

i've used my Facebook albums to chronicle my journey through life and i've been able to stalk people through their photos. i've mocked Farmville... and then become obsessed with it. i've given up MySpace for the Facebook and i've remained loyal to her even though i've dabbled a bit with the Twitter.

the moral of this story? i don't really care if Mark Zuckerberg was a terrible person, he created a terrific product that i am very thankful for.

Justin Timberlake, play us out.

who's gay? who's straight? who cares?

2010-10-08T12:55:00.008-05:00

a lot of headlines have been made over the past week or so about a few suicides that have been associated with bullying. more specifically, the suicides have been linked to gay teenagers who were pushed over the edge.

i'll be honest, i don't feel that bad for the dead kids. suicide is selfish and there is always somebody who has it worse out there so save me the tears.

people get bullied. it's not right but it happens. as a kid, i was bullied because my skin tone was different. i've seen kids verbally crucified because of their looks, lack of wealth and weight. nobody killed themselves. The Rutgers thing was humiliating but i just don't think that being gay in the 2000s is any worse than being black in the 1960s. i don't want to tell these gay kids to "Get over it" but i do want to say that "Some people have had it worse." if that makes me insensitive, then so be it.

in a weird way, i feel worse for the bullies than the bullied.

it is 2010 and i honestly don't get why homosexuality is a big deal. it is really nobody's business if a man loves a woman or another man. if gay people want to be married, why should we not let them? does it really impact your life? if the country allowed gay marriages tomorrow, would your life be any different? aside from the additional wedding presents that we'd have to purchase, i think that our day-to-day operations would not change that much. my life isn't impacted by John and Jane Doe's wedding so i don't know why it would be altered if John Doe wanted to tie the knot with Joe.

i used to be pretty homophobic but that will happen when you grow up in a church that teaches you to hate everybody. but i grew up. i have gay friends and i have gay co-workers. it doesn't matter to me.

so i feel bad for the kids who want to bully people because of their sexual orientation because, honestly, they are the people who need the most help. how can you seriously hate someone without knowing anything about them? how can you be that shallow?

i miss the good old days when people just made fun of people's mothers.

Yo mama is so fat that she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
Yo mama is so poor that she hands the toiler paper out to dry.
Yo mama is so stupid that she thought that a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama is so ugly that your daddy takes her to work with him everyday so he doesn't have to kiss her good-bye.

sigh, those were the days.

TLC, play us out.

Glee should do a Katy Perry episode

2010-09-23T09:46:00.005-05:00

i don't know why people are so upset with Katy Perry being on Sesame Street. there are just certain things that she can teach the young men of America that Oscar the Grouch can't (lesson #1: why a music video for a song about California should incorporate nothing related to the aforementioned state).

anyways, the new TV season kicked off this week and i told myself that i was going to give Glee a chance this year. i know that's it's a bit shocking that i was not into Glee already (i wish my life was a musical) but i had actually only watched one episode over the past two years.

so i DVR'd Tuesday's episode and i watched it on Wednesday. folks, i was sold.

i couldn't tell you one thing about the show but all i know is that Jane Lynch is still funny, Senior High robbed me of my youth by not having a glee club and that short Asian chick did a better Listen than Beyonce ever could. oh! and the Britney Spears episode is premiering next week!

i'm officially a Gleek.

so to recap my TV schedule for the fall... i have CSI: Miami on Sundays, HIMYM, Two-and-a-Half Men and Hoarders on Mondays, Glee on Tuesdays, Law and Order: SVU and The Challenge: Cutthroat on Wednesdays and CSI, The Office and Jersey Shore on Thursdays. Time Warner is going to be earning my money this fall.

Katy Perry, play us out.

somebody just got a little bit older

2010-09-22T17:07:00.003-05:00

twenty-six years ago, the girl that i love was born.

happy birthday CeCe... don't hate me for putting this picture up.

The Manhattans, play us out.